Confabulations by Me

Two years ago

2009-02-19T23:50:00.000-08:00

Two years ago, I was kneeling at my suitcase, filling it, emptying it, then refilling it with various cloths of mine and my husbands... My husband thought I was crazy. We had been chosen almost two weeks prior by a mother who was expecting twins to possibly adopt them. I felt the urge to start filling some overnight bags, and prepare some baby things to keep close in case she were to go into labor early.
6:15pm The phone rang. It was "A"(Mamma J's boyfriend) to tell us she had gone into labor. We finished up some packing that I had already started that day, and we were on the road less then an hour later. This was a LONG drive, 5+ hours long, in the dark. We made it half way there when we got the call that both twins had been born and doing really well.... We continued our drive, and pulled in just before midnight. As we parked, we noticed an odd looking ambulance-type of vehicle parked with the engine running.... My husband made a brief comment "I bet that is the twins"... (We had been told the twins would most likely be transported two hours back towards our house, because this hospital did not have a NICU)... I said "no WAY~!". We continued up to the counter and found out where we could find Mamma J. We met up with her and her boyfriend, and she told us we had just missed them, that they had been transported (It was them!!!) That was okay.... We enjoyed an hour or so visiting with J and A, then left so they could get some sleep... We found an empty waiting area and slept (most uncomfortably) on chairs and the floor for a few hours. We had breakfast, changed our cloths (I think?) and went back to visit J for almost the rest of the day. J had me help her fill out some of her forms, like the spelling of the twins names (which I had been shocked to hear she wanted to use our last name on the original's)... The day was very laid back, mostly a continuation of getting to know each other.. She showed us some pictures of the twins from the night before. She joked about how "sexy" they were (lol)... Finally around 4pm we made our leave with an awkward goodbye... (How do you say goodbye to someone, to leave her and go become her brand new babies parents in a town 2+ hours away?)
We made the drive (pretty much speeding the whole way where we could)...We pulled in just after 6pm and went through the rules and procedures to enter the NICU.... Washing from finger tips to elbows for 3 minutes with ugly brown soap, we were escorted down a long hallway with big rooms to the left and smaller rooms to the right... Three rooms down we turned, and the nurse pointed to the far right corner, where laid two of the most beautiful little heart shaped faces I had ever seen.... Actually I did not notice even their faces yet, I could hardly see them yet, the emotions filled my soul and came rushing out my eyeballs... It was happening... In SO not the way I had expected (lol).. But here I was, standing in front of what would turn out to be my son and daughter... I finally sucked up all the emotion as best I could, as I helped my husband get into a chair, peeling off his coat and digging out my camera, as the two nurses handed him both tiny little bodies... One in each arm... This was a moment cemented in my mind forever.. My husband, loving these two children as his son and daughter the moment he laid eyes on them, the moment their head lay snugly into his arms... What an amazing feeling to actually be experiencing! You can read it from others a million times, but never understand the full impact of what it is like to be introduced to your new life, like this..

Two years ago, Latte and Z-man were so tiny, so small..I hardly remember what that looked like now as I look at two active toddlers, using words and gestures, having opinions and different attitudes.

Latte was the sleeper, she slept for months... She was half a pound smaller then her brother, and even felt and looked more petite (girly) in comparison... As she got older, around her crawling stage she finally "woke up". She jabbered like crazy, and was such a silly little baby. Walking came, and she was the people pleasure, center of attention and loving it.. Talking came, and so far has yet to stop. She is silly, and active, and smart. She is vocal and good with her fine motor skills. She likes to color, I think her favorite color is purple (at least that is the color-word she uses most often), she loves my best friend "Angie" like crazy, she likes to play with lego's (which makes her daddy proud). She wheels her baby doll around in the toy stroller she got for Christmas, but would rather sit in it and be wheeled around by her brother. She loves her brother, but more then often she would rather boss him around or tease him (by stealing his binky, which she has been doing since before they could crawl even though she does not even use a binky!). She has recently decided she is scared of our cats. For the past few days she has requested pickles, but she really likes apples and banana's more.

Z-man was the awake child, he took his normal naps, but when we went places, he was usually the one that was awake and excited to meet new people while his sister laid asleep. He used to sleep with his arms up by his head. He gained bulk/weight quicker then his sister, and even grew hair sooner/faster then her (and still does). As he got older, he got more reserved and quiet.. He became a people watcher. He could go off and play by himself while his sister took the stage.. When he was at the crawling stage he used to make all kinds of silly faces, like sticking his tongue in and out over and over again. He was trying to climb over the baby gate even before he could walk. Once he was walking, he loved to go up to his sister from behind and pull her down in a huge bear hug (which he still does, and it's hard to peel him off). He adores his sister, and will share almost anything with her. One day he had one cracker left and his sister had none, he looked at her, broke his cracker into two VERY uneven sizes, and handed her the large half of his cracker, leaving him with a very small morsel (and he was overjoyed that she accepted it). He will bring her favorite blankie in to her when they are cozied up to watch a movie together on our bed, and he will carry her milk to her if she has run off without getting it. He is learning more and more words lately, and animal sounds (they both LOVE the horsie sound a lot lately).. He likes to color, loves to push his cars around or cook in his play kitchen. He would rather wear his sister shoes (because they are easier to get on), but he would much rather walk around in mommy or daddy's shoes (same with his sister). He loves plumbs and shrimp!

Visiting is fun!

2008-09-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

From J's boyfriend trying to teach Zman how to play Transformers on his console, Zman giving him "knuckles" (daddy taught him that hehe). Latte bouncing off the walls running back and forth to everybody and showing off how cute she can be without even doing anything specific to her sitting with J's boyfriend singing along with him to a song *melts*
We had such a great visit Saturday! We hung out in their apartment for a while and the kids played "drums" on their dinner table while listening to music. We went to a soccer field and ran around chasing each other and kicking the soccer ball around.

I like J's boyfriend.. I've always loved the fact that he's been in her life before the twins were even born. He loves the twins so much and it shows every time. And he is SO good with them! He said playing with them makes him want J to have their son already, he is getting anxious and excited! I am so excited for them.

J is looking and feeling ready! She's doing really good though, but I know the heat and pregnancy are wearing on her and I know it's normal for moms this far along to just want that part to be over with already. She goes in in just over a week! She is having a C-section, and I might be scheduling some time off to try to help her out some, with transportation and other things.

Anyway.. It's only been a couple of months since seeing J last, but the twins are changing a lot lately, and she noticed that right away. They had SO much fun they passed out and slept all night (which is a first all week!)

Anyway... I LOVE this part of open adoption.. It really IS a blessing on me, on the twins, and on J.

I also got to meet "D-man", J's boyfriends son. He is 5 and starts school soon. He is a cutie pie! The twins really liked him a lot also :)

Newbrother

2008-08-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

My twins are going to have a new brother in a few weeks!!! No no, I know what you are thinking... We are not adopting again. Their mom is expecting a baby boy, and he is due the middle of next month (but we think he will be early)

I am so excited! Right now the twins have an older sister, and when I look at her and Latte I see so many resemblances and it makes me excited to see what their brother will look like, and if Z-man and him share a lot of similarities as well.

I can not wait to meet him!! :)

I growed in your tummy

2008-08-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

My best friend got to have her yearly get together with her daughter and her parents. This time they came to her house and I got to be there as well. So far I have been to every "visit" since she was 6months old. I have loved watching the relationship grow.

The first visit was rough.... I do not think any of them were comfortable yet, and they were still trying to establish their "place" in each other's life....

Each year it was better and more comfortable. This year was relaxed, and darn near perfect.

My friends daughter is 3.5 now and quite the little spitfire! She was telling my friends older son "I hate you!" and spitting on him! Lil' stinker! Anyway... The BEST part of the night:

I had my camera (it takes short video's). I had JUST hit the record button, not even attempting much other then just everyday-stuff in the get together.... Then it happens:
"E" (my friends daughter that she placed) walked up to "A" (my friend). Lifted up her own little 3yr old shirt, pointing at her tummy, she said "My mommy said I growed in your tummy before".... So matter of fact.... My friend, stunned... "yee-ah..." looking around not exactly sure how to respond... Before it was over E was already gone off playing with the kids again.

So precious...

I was so lucky to get that on video... I know my friend has watched it a bazillion times already. Now she is preparing herself for whatever is to come next year.

It really stinks

2008-08-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

It really stinks when new childless couples come into the adoption world and get slammed with TONS of information, most of it is extremely scary information that has to do with someone else, someone they had not taken a lot of time to think of and consider.

I am not blaming them. Many come into adoption with a child on the mind, nothing more at first.

I wish there was a better way to educate these ladies, and I mean REALLY educate them.

Who does it start with? Who is being held responsible for the couples who NEVER stop to consider the other's involved in the adoption process? This is an injustice to them but mostly it is a disservice to the children they are being placed with.

This reminds me of one of my best friends growing up who was an AA adoptee, who's mother called her the N word :( (what the?!!) I should try to contact her.

The visit I forgot to post about

2008-07-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

So last month I visited J twice. Two times in 3 days actually!

The first was at a mall, we walked around, played a little, and had lunch. It was not as relaxed as I thought it might be, and by the end of it the twins were tired and cranky so that made things a little difficult.

The second visit happened because I volunteered to taxi J's boyfriend for his job stuff. Once finished driving him around I hung out with J and the twins sister A. We played in the grass, talked, played more... Very relaxing, and was so nice to just hang out with them. I got a lot more details about the birth of the twins, as well as stories of J. Mostly just casual conversation.

I wonder if J would agree, that we don't put on a different face during a visit... I don't know. She had to discipline her daughter a few times, and I had to get after the twins a few times. We might have been "nicer" in how we get after our kids in front of each other, but I think people in general are that way around company. It's not like I am a big-fat-bully when nobody is around, it just takes on a sterner voice I guess... One of those voices that just doesn't come natural around company :) I wonder as the kids get older and possible need that stern voice, if it will in fact come around when company is present.. I do not know. But I am still ME in those times.

So yeah, that's my story :)

Copy Cat

2008-07-29T16:35:00.001-07:00

Ok so this is copied from a web forum I post to, but it is MY thoughts, and I still think them. I wanted it to feel more permanent so I am repeating it here on my blog.
__________

Recently I got to be a guest at my friend's visit with her daughter she placed for adoption 3years ago. This is the fourth visit and each time seems to be better and more relaxed and comfortable for everybody. (I have been able to be at all 4 visits so far)

This year, I came to a few realizations:

*I learned first hand that ALL stories are different. We try to post on here as if ALL stories were the same, but they really aren't. There is no single cookie cutter-adoption triad /story out there, I think we should be called "snowflakes" instead of "triad members" Smile

*I learned that men are ALL the same, but it's ok cuz it keeps them out of our hair sometimes.

*I learned that Barbie Jeeps dont hurt when they run over your toes.

*I learned that kids "get" more then we give credit to them for.

*I learned I missed something valuable in the process of placement... This is HUGE for me, and it has been really affecting my heart since realizing it.... Let me explain a bit:

It has been said here that the hospital experience should be the mother's time. I will STILL agree with that for *MANY* situations, but not all. Either way, it comes to the actual placement, the moment that many of you have or will face... A mother physically handing her child to you, bestowing upon you HER role, mother.....

I missed that... I did not have to look into a tear stained face and choke back my own tears as I was handed such a title... This has really made me take advantage of my role, without the memory... I dont know how to describe why I feel "badly" for missing this part of the process... I think it is because I looked into a face the other night, and SAW the memory come leaking out of a mothers eyes...

I do believe everything happens for a reason. My dear friend tells me that God knows my heart and was perhaps protecting it by not putting me through such an event. (I admit, I was dreading a moment like that when the twins were born, but thought I was GOING to happen *assuming she placed with us*, I never imagined we would be 2 hours away and not even SEE J for over a month after taking the twins home).

Our hospital time with J was like visiting a friend after a "normal" surgery. She was in great pain physically, but did not talk about it to us. She was not emotional, actually she was just candid and light humored. We talked about Anna Nicole Smith (I believe she had just died). We watched the TV in her room. J talked about how "sexy" the twins were, and showed us pictures off their digital camera. When we said goodbye, it was casual, it was friendly, it was surreal... The next 9 days were spent as "substitute parents" at the NICU. We knew we were not officially parents of these two, even though the hospital treated us as any other parent. We "parented" them in every aspect we could while we were there, and of course fell madly in love with them... We were the only people there, other then a wonderful hospital staff. I never wanted that, I was READY and WILLING for J to have *HER* hospital time.. I wanted that for her.... And it never happened. I thought about that a lot. But somehow I had forgotten or not really thought as much about what I missed.. The placement, the actual moment. I have to wonder if missing that means I am lacking in appreciation or understanding of why and how I am a mother.

...... so.... Those were just a few things I have been pondering since watching my friend visit with her daughter's mommy....

Some things that I also noticed, that are a lot more light hearted then the above:

both mom's:
About the same height
Somewhat similar build
Same color hair
Same choice in hair spray and obsession about hair (go "Big Sexy Hair"!)
Same/similar cute trendy fashion choices
both seem to like some of the same things
both are madly in love with a super cute super active little girl.

Who is "me" during a visit? hmmm...

2008-06-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

I was reading Nicole's blog (I'd include a link but I think she took her blog down). She blogged about the personality, or mannerisms of her daughters adoptive mom was during their visits together... It was a really interesting read, basically saying she was always very nice, and did not loose her temper or even show much emotion (other then the happy-family face type of emotion). It got me thinking about who "I" am during visits with my kids mom.

I don't think I put on a different face for visits, other then hoping the kids don't erupt into a tantrum. I have corrected negative behavior in the kids (not sure if I can really call it negative behavior but more just stayed consistent in the rules of our house: like they have to sit down to eat a snack, so during our last visit I kept having to repeat myself "Sit down please" over and over again, which is what I do at home as well). I showed emotion when I first got there after a very dramatic drive to get there. I can't think of a time that I was not "just me" the "real" "me" (sorry for all of the quotes I hope you understand what I am trying to say).

I guess I look at visits the same way I do for anywhere we take the kids. My goals are that they have a good time, and we have a good time. I try to be consistent with them (I guess what I mean is that if I don't allow it at the house, I try to also not let them get away with it at other places as well.) Some things need to be altered a little, but those things are things I cant avoid, like nap times sometimes get thrown out the window or messed up a bit.

I wonder if J's personality is "her". It seems to be, she is laid back, easy going. What is really going on in her mind I wonder? She always seems to surprise me with things she says that honors me, things I don't ask her to say but am SO blessed that she said it anyway. Our last visit, we were getting ready to leave, and she said "You are doing a wonderful job with them". I guess I just never thought she should say that to me, I would think that would seem like something difficult for any natural mother to say to her childs "other mother". Those words will stick in my head and heart forever though....

~~~~~~~~~~~Writing this part of my blog just about an hour after starting it, because I have come to a conclusion about this topic all within this hour!~~~~~~~~~~~

So I just got off the phone with J (by the way her new nickname is "Mamma Starfish". And I have concluded that NEITHER of us are not "us" on the phone to each other. Of course, that is just my perspective, but on my end of the phone I KNOW I was "just me", and I'm pretty sure she was "just her" and darnit I am pretty proud that we can laugh and joke about some of the things we talked about. This was the longest phone call I've ever had with her too, so I am feeling pretty happy right now.

I am going to visit her with the twins at the end of the week. I think I will blog about my conclusion of "visits" and "being us" then as well. I cant wait to see her!

Facebook, and adoption adds

2008-04-01T02:06:00.000-07:00

So I was checking my facebook games before bed tonight (yeahyeah I am an addict). In the side bar of my screen, where all the little add's appear, I see a picture of a couple and it says "Hi, we are looking to adopt" (or something like that) so I click the picture, to see what crazy adoption agency has linked profiles onto a facebook account! Well it's no agency, it is a couple's website! Pictures of their house, the ever famous "dear birthmother" letter, pictures of family, and each other and all the contact information for their lawyer. The front page looks like a job application in a way (but, dont most of those online profiles?)

I would post the link here, but I really dont feel like giving them free clicks.

Ok so this facebook stuff is geared at a college age audiance, and I am finding direct paid add's from p-adoptive parents who are looking to adopt... These are add's they are paying for on facebook to have posted on the facebook client, this is not the "google adds" that many sites have and use.

For some reason.. this just puts a bad bad taste in my mouth... (well not literally, cuz Im eating peanut butter m&m's, but anyway....)

What do you think??

Yuck, and go away.

2008-02-28T00:21:00.001-08:00

Tonight, I am disgusted to say someone found my site by entering the phrase "avoid adoption and give me your baby" into their google box and finding MY site...

I HOPE you actually READ my site, and did not click back and find information on such a terrible disgusting effort to "obtain" a child....

I really HOPE this was not in effort of what it sounds like, and I REALLY hope the majority of human-kind are not this uncaring and disgusting. I can pretend this person was not meaning it "that way" but sadly, I am going to go to bed tonight, thinking about what type of person would type/think/believe that....

yuck...

I am sick to my stomache now.

(by the way, this is not an "Adoption is lovely, don't avoid adoption it is beautiful" effort, because that is not how I feel either... This is a "WHAT kind of person wants to ASK someone to HAND them a child, who thinks this way and what is going on in their brain when they come to this conclusion......) IF you think to yourself "just give me your child", please do some major research, NOBODY "just" gives children away, it doesn't happen. Babies are not department store merchandise.

Time to sleep now.... thanks a lot for ending my night with such disgust, whoever you are.

Update on Visit..

2008-01-23T16:23:00.000-08:00

Well last week did not work.. We were really trying to get together, but it just was not working out that way with the short notice.

BUT.. There is good news! J is moving closer! Like a LOT closer! She will be about an hour away from us (only about 15 minutes away from my in-laws)

Hopefully she can get move there within the next couple of weeks, because we are going to try to get together and celebrate "Birthday Month" Not only are the twins turning one, but her other daughter will be four, her boyfriend will be 28 (I think), and she will be turning 20! I am SO excited at getting together with them!

please oh please oh please!!!!

2008-01-12T20:43:00.000-08:00

I just found out that the twins mom is going to be visiting her mom this week, and wants us to come visit her!
Granted that is about a 5-6 hour drive for us, this is something I have hoped would happen and now it is here! (short notice and all!)

PLEASE oh PLEASE can I get some prayers! We are not sure of hubby's schedule yet (will find out tomorrow), and need to get an oil change and stuff before we go, so we would love to see some money drop out of the sky (lol)... I *think* we should be fine making the trip, but it will cut it short before next friday's paycheck...

I just picked up 2 matching shirts one for Latte (yeah another new nickname for my daughter) and the other for Starfish (the twins sister, who is almost 4yrs old). I was praying somehow I'd be able to get them photographed together in the shirts, but was going to settle for sending Starfish the shirt with a photograph of Latte wearing the matching one..

I REALLY hope this works out! This is the second short notice for a visit request and last time I was trying to plan things and she ended up moving out of state right when I had hoped to make the trip!

I also hope we will be able to meet more family members with this trip, as I have been talking to J's mom, sister, and brothers on MySpace, and would love for them to meet their niece and nephew (and for gma to see them again)...

THANK YOU ALL for your prayers, I am really anxious to find out if we can go and what day we'll be heading out!

Judy's star

2008-01-12T12:26:00.000-08:00

Please follow this think to read more about Judy, and how you can show your support for her.

Judy is a pretty rad mom, who blogs about her son a lot. She's also been blogging about her recent discovery of breast cancer.. Please say some prayers for Judy as she faces this difficult time in her life. Also please pray for her family.

CPC

2007-12-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

So the Crisis pregnancy center I visited the other day was SO slanted :(

SO much of myself deep inside of me is SO against abortion.. And it is easy for my brain to quickly think "then adopt" (of course it is easy, I've never placed).

Time and time again natural mom's have affirmed that *most* natural mom's do not consider abortion. They separate the two into two very different choices. And it makes sense to me.

The choice to carry a pregnancy or not.
The choice to parent or not.

It is still very hard for me. I see the dividing lines, I do.. But when abortion comes to mind, that line seems to disappear for me.

I do not know what I will do (if anything) with the CPC I visited. I am disappointed at how slanted they focus on adoption in such a positive light.

I tried to mention a few things that these expectant mom's should hear that is not fluff, but it is something they should be aware of (legally binding openness agreements and info around it, including a warning of aparents who lie about openness only to shut it down later). Immediately the director said "Oh goodness, I would not want to scare them with that" (WHAT!!!!??????)

/sigh... Seriously, I'm still stuck.

It REALLY sucks that they have connections with a specific agency, one that I have lost a lot of faith in over time. I wanted to bring up more information or ask questions but time was an issue.

I did ask them if they had heard of the NFCA (because she mentioned some adoption training they received). I told her that the agency that they advertise for was a big supporter of them, and then mentioned that the NFCA was very vocal in their stance on closed adoption.

Anyhow, I've tried processing this over the week but am still stuck in my thoughts.

PRAYERS NEEDED

2007-12-17T16:56:00.000-08:00

I should have posted this already!

So my friend Lisa adopted a son a few months ago, and the poor baby has been sick off and on since birth (basically). He was preemie and weight barely 2.5lbs. Now he is 6months old and has already been to the hospital /dr's more times then ME in my life! (Ok that might be an exageration but Im sure that is what it feels like for him and his family).

So anyway, not long ago he had to go in for emergency surgery to remove blood from between his skull and brain. But the problem that the blood has come back. Not as much but it is still there.

His entire family has a cold, a really bad yucky cold right now, and he's back in the hospital because he's been sleeping throughout the days almost all day and not drinking his bottles. So now he is on IV and the dr's are watching him, basically the symptoms could be from his cold OR from the blood (or something else even) so they want to get him over the cold to see if things change... ugh...

They might need to drain his head again if it dosnt go down on his own. And if it gets anymore blood they will go in right away for surgery again!

Aside from that terrible drama, Lisa (my friend/the mom) banged up her leg the last time they were in the hospital, and she has no time to go get that looked at. So she's feeling pretty lousy with a sick baby, banged up leg and a crappy cold!

You'd think that was the worst? Well lets add to this mix.. Their cat might have been hit by a car, they cant tell, and it would cost a lot of money to have it checked out to see, money that they dont really have set aside for the family-pets right now during their other crisis, so the cat might die.

Lisa also has an older daughter, she is 2 and she's missing her mommy and "normalcy".

PLEASE friends, take a moment and say some prayers for my friend and her family! Thank you!

So excited!

2007-12-14T20:53:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like someone is tapping you on the shoulder, but nobody is there? Or somebody is there, but they are not the one that tapped you?

Tonight I went to my sister inlaw's to pick up something at their house, and they were out. The baby sitter (a husband and wife) were there. They are great friends with them and I've met them a number of times. The husband was telling me about a pregnancy assistance place not too far from here that he went to help out at last week. Actually his main goal for bringing up the topic was just to tell me he'd noticed that the company my husband works for has donated a lot of things to them and wanted me to thank my husband and let him know that solidified his "preference" of home improvement stores... But I felt a little tap on my shoulder....

I asked him if he knew what their goals were in the center, and asked them if he knew if they were pro-family preservation or not, if he knows if they push for adoption or anything like that... I was curious what this place is all about.

I know their goals are to get ultrasound machines in all of their facilities. I just wish I knew more about what their goals are for these women once they do look at their child and possibly decide not to abort (yeah DONT think I am going there with the whole "Thank you for giving life" stuff for women who place. Most of you should know that I DO NOT think that most women who place for adoption EVER had planned / truly considered abortion).

Anyhow... I want to think of ways I CAN help, if this place turns out to be a cool place that I can reach out to....

Some of the things I've come up with:

* see if they have the CUB brochures I've heard so much kudo's about (but I'd best read those first before I start pouring them out to people right? I read it years ago but I know my own opinions have reshaped over that period of time).

* possibly offer some complimentary "belly shots", putting my "skills" to use for a good cause.. Having belly shots is pretty rad I hear, and I think it would be so cool for a woman unable to spend a billion dollars on expensive photographers to still be able to have something nice to keep to remember her pregnancy.

* find out what kinda of fund raisers they sponsor and see what kind of assistance they need with those.

* find out of they need/have "craddle care".... This has been a dream of mine for a long time, but I had thought I would wait a while till the kids were a bit older.. BUT hey, if this is something that is needed, I would love to look into it.. Or maybe just being there with new mom's or e-mom's giving them basic information on care for children? I dont know!

* just be there when I can to help... general stuff....

Please ladies, some of you may have been in places like this.. Im curious what types of things they need.. I'd love to get some idea's in my head before going there to visit!

OH YEAH I also wanted to tell you about a new location of they want to build really close to my home... It's literally ATTACHED to the same building as a "Planned Parenthood" center! Every week they go in, and place their hands on the wall that separates them from each other, and they pray over that room... He said they can even hear the suction machine :( bleh! I might get some more information on that location also, Im just not sure I could stomach whatever room that is!

What rights are there?

2007-12-14T10:46:00.000-08:00

I was chatting on the phone with a friend of mine yesterday talking about her child she placed, and his parents.
Somehow we got to the topic of sort of "if's" (if this had happened, I would have done this)... And she said "I was told that if the adoptive family was found unfit the first 6months, I would be able to choose a different family, but if that had happened I think I would have kept him or had my parents raise him".

This got me thinking...

Do agencies do that? Call up a natural mom some months later to ask for her to do the family selection all over again? Can she change her mind at that point, and keep her baby? TPR is long gone and done, what rights will the agency allow her in finding parents for her child if this happens?

I am really curious now, about the "what if's".. Really curious... Especially if I consider a few mothers I know out there that would have taken that opportunity to reclaim and raise their child.

My gut says the agencies would not allow a natural mother to do that.. But am I just thinking that because the agencies constantly disappoint me, or do I have real reason to assume such a thing?

How often are adoptive parents found unfit during the finalization process and have their child pulled out of their home and re-placed with a new family?

Im SO interested now... Anybody have any information on this?

Keyword crazy

2007-11-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

Well it took long enough before my blog made much presence on google searches, but now Im finally getting to see what funny things people put in and find me..

"Fat Adoptive moms" (gee, thanks haha)
"Did jessica call nick on his birthday 2007" (well I sure hope so)
"child pronunciation key"
"confabulating minds" (can a mind be confabulating??)
and sadly:
"I miss my kids and want them to come back home sad poem"

Great news

2007-11-16T15:12:00.000-08:00

The other day I requested prayers for the mom and daughter in China after loosing her husband tragically while there to pick up their daughter...

Well yesterday the US was throwing all sorts of crazy hoops to jump through for Sandi, but word is that congressmen stepped in and helped get things ironed out and Sandi and her daughter will be traveling home tomorrow!!

Praise God for answering this prayer!

Please continue to pray for them, as coming home will be somewhat of a relief, it will also most likely make the reality REALLY set in for Sandi :(

Adoptee

2007-11-15T21:18:00.000-08:00

I have a spell checker online that underlines my mispelled words as I type (ok yes mispelled is spelled WRONG apparently but I'm going to be lazy and not fix it.)

Anyhow... Whenever I type "adoptee" I get that red underline thingy again *ok so thiny isn't a word either so it says*... ANYHOW.. I can click the word and look at my options to correct my terrible spelling.. when I click on "adoptee" I get two choices.. "Adopter" or "adopted"!

Um what the heck is this world coming to when even a SPELL CHECKER forgets the adoptee's!!!!!

GEEEEEEZ!!!!! (yes, this is also not spelled correctly but it gives me NO choices, so I'm leaving it at that haha!)

Oh well

2007-11-14T22:21:00.000-08:00

So I cant blog once a day for a month, sue me :)

it's funny that I cant find something to say here once a day, yet I post on forums multiple times a day ha! Oh well, right?

Anyway, what's really truly on my mind right now is getting to know you... Who reads my blog? I want to know!
So if you have 2 seconds to respond. please let me know you're reading my blog :) Do I know you in other places, or did you happen to find me through someone else?

I look forward to hearing from you

Oh so sad :(

2007-11-12T21:57:00.000-08:00

I dont really keep up w/ international adoption or the people involved, but sometimes things happen that gets my attention. (sadly its usually something devastating) and in desperate need of prayer.

A group of adoptive parents were in China, when the husband of one of the couples went into a diabetic coma and later died.... Family members still in the US are trying to get emergency visa's to go to China to be with the "Sandi" (the wife) and her daughter during this difficult time.

My heart aches so much for this situation. They just had their adoption "placement" day it sounds like, just a few days ago, and were going to be coming home in less then a week :( I cannot begin to imagine what this new mother/new widow is going through :(

PLEASE join me in prayer for Sandi, and her family and her husbands family. They are going to need them right now.

What would you say?

2007-11-09T12:10:00.001-08:00

Using my "Dont be sad" post a few days ago, I am curious to hear from others. Have you experienced this before from your children or people you know? How did you respond to them?
The thoughts of what I will tell my children when/if they ever tell me they are sad, or act like they are upset in regards to adoption (and heck not just adoption, life in general)..

For me, I really want to just tell them I am sorry they are sad, and ask them what parts make them sad, and let them know it is okay to be sad.... I dont want to tell them NOT to be sad.

Anybody else care to share their ideas or experiences?

Shout Out

2007-11-08T23:27:00.000-08:00

This is a shout out to Dawn, for creating such a great website! You should all check it out and of course get an account :)
Kudos to Dawn, a mother I have learned SO much from, and never even met her! :)

Don't be sad....Wait, what?!

2007-11-08T11:26:00.001-08:00

So I was listening to two ladies talk about adoption recently. I did not know them and did not want to even begin to join in the conversation right then, but something one of the ladies said to me REALLY stuck out.

She was talking about a neighbor girl she knew who was adopted. I didn't pick up on how it came to happen, but for some reason the little girl had just revealed to this lady that she was adopted (even though the lady seemed to know already) and she seemed sad, or maybe the way she said it was said in a way that seemed sad... I dont know, like I said it's hard when I'm simply eavesdropping hehe :) The part that stuck out to me was what she said to the little girl. She told her "Dont be sad" and went on with the ol' "you have a mommy and daddy who love you, and a home..." you get the point, right? This is the age ol' destruction of adoptee's from what I have read, am i wrong? This is ignoring a child's right to be sad about the loss they have experienced, and telling them they should not grieve. I know I have read adoptee blogs who are were damaged by these very statements that were said/drilled into them growing up. This is the whole "be greatfull" bull that is counterproductive in the life of a child, right? My gut twisted... This wasn't even her child to say that to, it makes me scared of EVER leaving my children w/ people that I am not 100% sure of what their reactions would be (yeah so basically NOBODY). I never want my kids to face this type of attitude towards their adoption story. :(

ugh... my gut is twisting just typing this and imagining the look on my kids face if someone said this to them :(

I am so bad.

2007-11-08T11:24:00.000-08:00

I should know better then to try to blog once a day for a month, I mean...its not like Im NOT at the computer, and typing and going nutso in my "adoption-land" lol...

Anyhow.....

They are real, just like you

2007-11-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

Please check out this
These are the faces of real women. Real mothers. Real people who have been separated from their children (through adoption relinquishment).

Please remember, when you are talking about a firstmom, that they are real people and deserve as much respect as you and I.

If you are new and looking into adoption, please find firstmom blogs and read them. You will learn more then you ever could anywhere else, if you will just listen.
(thank you Nicole, for your blog, and your slideshow)

Tagged-

2007-11-05T09:42:00.001-08:00

Rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.

1. I grew up mormon and now I am Christian (yay me!)
2. I have never been drunk (however, I have been fairly intoxicated, just not "trashed")
3. People think I look 21 (I am WAY older then that).
4. I LOVE ice cream. I like to buy premade cookie dought and natural vanilla Bryers ice cream and put the cookie dough in it and pretend I am my own "Cold Stone" :)
5. I am not a great cook, but of course ALL my sister inlaw's and mother inlaw (heck and husband) are (lol)
6. I used to be a hard core RPG online gamer :)
7. I am rather upset that "officially" Dumbledore is gay, even though it may have been on my mind already anyway.
8. my kids ROCK!

Now to find eight people.
Becca
Alib
"Bears Mommy"
Angie
Momma to Roo
"Candlemom*AMG*
Vanda
HeatherPNR

Adoption Awareness

2007-11-04T16:26:00.001-08:00

OPEN RECORDS, that's all I gotz ta say about that right now.

A few states have finally opened their records, but it is not over, there are still 40-something states left! Pass the word on!

An end to the saga

2007-11-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

My friend told her two kids today. (Our friendly 9yr old boy, and her 5yr old daughter).
They now know they have a sister, and are EXCITED for it! Eyes lit up and said "Mommy, can she live with us!?" *ugh* Heart-ripping moment for my friend, but overall I think her kids took the information really well. They now know they can come and ask her about it anytime they want to.

I know this was a TON of weight off her shoulders, but at the same time brings new pains and thoughts, so please say a prayer for her, and her family. Whatever questions her kids spring on her next, I pray she will be calm and able to answer them.

(your words made a difference to her, reading my blog, and I thank you for your kind words for her).

What the heck

2007-11-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

No way it's supposed to be 11pm or something, so lets just pretend I didnt miss my Saturday cuz I SWEAR I meant to have something interesting to talk about.

I blame daylight savings time being pushed.. And I sadly use the excuse that two little fuss-pants are not in the mood to sleep tonight, so yeah, no blog tonight. I already messed up!

One thought to ponder though...

Pre-Birth "matches"~ Should they be stopped? (and if so, why?)

I am leaning on the "yes", but I'm curious to hear some of your answers.

The 9 yr old's "UnKnowns"

2007-11-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

I told you it would take a while to has this out. It haunts my brain and I am trying really hard to get a grip on the story that isn't even MY story!

The 9 year old boy, (you know the one that said he remembers seeing me w/ a big enough belly for two babies?) Well he has a sister, two actually. Only, if you asked him how many siblings he has, he would only say one.

A few years ago, his mother had a 3rd child and placed that child for adoption. Her son was barely in elementary school, and her daughter was only 3 at the time. She just never got around to explaining this with them about this new little infant that they got to hold and snuggle with before going home w/ her new family. And now her son is asking questions.

I have sort of come up with a pattern she might be able to use to introduce to her son (and daughter) to who this little girl mommy talks about all the time is. Simple casual things she could say that would sort of evolve into deeper discussion on it as they begin to understand....

But, my friend is scared to face those questions...

Stuck.

I wish I knew what might help her, I think the sooner she tells him the better, because he needs to know!

Anyhow... so you all don't think I am some crazy person telling my friend's story w/out her knowledge, please know that I asked her if I could blog about this, maybe we can get some idea's on ways to bring this stuff up to her son....

*I THINK he knows, he knows something... He clammed up when we started talking about my twins having been adopted, and had this funny look in his eyes... He knows something, I am just not sure what he knows..*

9 yr old's Dad. (v.3.0)

2007-11-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, same dinner from the last two posts..

The entire conversation started because my friend's husband asked me:
"When you get older, what do you want the twins to call you"

Ummmmmmmm... "Mom" would be good..??

Usually I am faced with "what do you want the twins to call their firstmother?"

They can call her "mom", "momma J", "J", "hey you" (though I'd prefer they pick something more polite then "hey you")

Bleh, Titles... labels... While I DO love to carry my title/label as "mom", having any addition to those titles just sucks.

While I do use "adoptive mom/firstmom" when i talk about things sometimes, it is to distinguish between who I am referring to in a given moment, most of the time I have found myself feeling much more comfortable simply saying "mom" when referring to myself and J.

Anyhow.. yeah

Titles... they can be frusterating at times.

Here is a great poem regarding titles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This poem is untitled.

This poem has no title.

This poem wants no title.

This poem rebels against any

appropriate, feasible and/or

logical title that you may happen to think of.

The first line of this poem

is not to be supplemented as a title.

It is not even to be referred to as:

“The Poem That is Untitled”

or “That Untitled Poem”

or “Untitled.”

It is to have no name, heading

or abbreviated term or reference of any type.

And this poem upholds the God-given right

to remain untitled.

If it is ever to be referred to,

it is to be recited in its entirety

and read with all sincerity.

This poem is untitled

is never to be titled

and shall not ever have a title.

This poem also reserves the right to peter out.

(footnote: this poem is diminished not quite finished)

..this poem is by Cameron Semmens

(good definition of a parable)

R. Grace Imathiu uses this poem to illustrate a point:

Our tradition has not done us any favors by giving the parable the popular title “The Parable of the Prodigal Son”. The parable did not originally come with a title. And let it be noted, I have nothing against titles; they are often helpful. But titles can sometimes be harmful and even dangerous. Titles put a good story in a cage and mislead us into thinking that naming the thing tells us everything there is to know about it. Titles tend to domesticate and tame good stories until they become easy and mundane and impotent. Titles can make us lazy and complacent..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In regards to "Birthmom", how many of us have painted a picture of what a "birthmom" is? The title alone telling us everything we think there is to know about a "birthmom". We miss the truth when we block it with titles..

Same 9 year old, v.2.0

2007-10-28T02:31:00.000-07:00

Adding to the previous conversation with my friends 9 year old.
When asked "what does Adoption mean?"
His answer was: "It means that a mom and a dad die, and the kids get a new family"

Hmmmmmmmm......

I did inform him that the twin's mom is still alive, and we have even gotten to visit her. (at this point the 9 year old was annoyed with the conversation and decided whipped cream was more interesting)

Yes, there is MORE to add to the beginning of this story, a lot more, and even after tonight I think there will be more (and for him, I think the story is going to continue for the rest of his life).

I'll leave it at that for now :)

~What does your 9 year old think adoption means (or ANY age child that is not adopted)?~

Only from a 9 year old.

2007-10-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

My friend's son doesn't believe I adopted the twins.
I asked him "Do you remember ever seeing me with a big pregnant belly?"
He pauses and thinks...."No.."
Another short pause..
followed up with a smile I could read all too well....
I back peddle as fast as i can "I mean of course you've seen me with a big belly, but NOT big enough for TWO babies!!!"

HA!!!!

He laughs a little and of course demands he remembers me being pregnant with them.

I'm going to go make some cookies now, and sulk a little.

Actually there is more to this story, and honestly this didn't hurt my feelings at all, it's just funny... Once I wrap my brain around the conversation that followed, I think I'll try to hash it out here..

I dont wanna think about it!

2007-10-23T21:05:00.001-07:00

There was a recent discussion about wether or not first families should be notified if the a-parents died, and if it would be an option to name the first parents as guardians in such a case.

This has been a discussion heavy on me and my friend Angie's mind lately...

Angie is a firstmom to a 2.5 yr old little girl. When she heard this question posed, she felt right away that it would be wrong for her to become guardian to her daughter, in a whole new area with people she dosnt know... She feels her daughter would be better off with family members that she knew better and felt more comfortable with. (however IF there was nobody else, she would take her in a heartbeat).

This got our minds spinning... What if the extended family did not respect the openness we've developed?!!!! Then what?!

I feel the same way for the most part. I dont think I would name J as guardians, yet that is in no way because I dont want her to be their mom, she IS their mom. I would name a family member closer to us, who lives near us, and see's the twins more often. Also religion plays a factor in this as well, as do other things of course... BUT I have to figure out a way to make DARNED sure the openness is still there, still available, cherished and valued...... Let's face it, there are family members who question our openness, I know many a-parents who have faced this issue with family. I pray God helps me teach these people before my time comes if that is ever going to happen...

So yeah... Then we got to thinking about the flip side... What if my friend Angie dies (yeah I told her to go ahead and NOT die for a while)... But what if something did happen, how would her daughter KNOW of her, about her, in a truer sense then just the few pictures her mom has of her from visits.. Would E be able to continue to have a relationship with her brother and sister? Would the rest of my friend's family make sure E was still nurtured by the rest of her first family?

So much yucky stuff to think about, and all of them are hypothetical's of course.... My husband would roll his eyes if he saw me typing about so many "what if's" hahaha!

Under the covers

2007-10-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

Many of you know me from webforums, but some of you don't. To those of you who haven't seen this post already on other blogs or forums, I want to share it with you here, to preserve it somehow, and make sure people SEE it...

This is written by a former employee of an adoption Agency. I am going to edit out the name of the agency because I believe in MANY cases this has to do with more then just THIS particular agency.

(The author has given me permission cross post this) This was in response to a discussion regarding Ethical counseling being difficult to find in an adoption agency (since they would most likely paint Adoption into a "better option" vs. using a Unplanned Pregnancy counseling.

I am a former birthparent and adoptive parent counselor at (edited out agency name). I do not work for the agency (or any adoption agency) anymore. I worked in that capacity for four years, and just couldn't do it anymore. I have been surfing these boards for a few years...usually daily. The voice on these boards was the best 'training' I ever received on how to be a truly ethical counselor. The voice on these boards is what strongly led me to leave the entire adoption world. Thank you.

I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did everything in my power to be an ethical birthparent counselor. I would tell women & men, "my life does not change at the end of the day, whether you place or not.... your life does... your baby's life does." I left the decision up to them, but I helped them pursue EVERY SINGLE avenue possible. Parenting, guardianship, help from relatives, birthfather 100% parenting, and different types of adoption. Some made adoption plans, most parented. The stats in my office were quite low of parents making adoption plans. Many of my moms/dads would come to a peace about their decision to parent, and would call me, send me cards, wedding announcements, birth announcements, etc... years after their decision to parent. I do miss this part of the job (which started as just that, but transformed into "a calling").

The type of work I do not miss are the staff meetings. The review of the numbers of placements, adoptive families, prospective birth parents (who of course were not called "prospective"). The reality of the revenue... the risk of job cuts "if the budget (read: placement #'s) are not met. The marketing contacts. The NCFA-sponsored trainings to healthcare professionals. The other counselors who did not agree with my perspective on birthparent counseling, and who did a crummy job of ethical counseling themselves. The prospective adoptive families who would call drooling over expectant parents. The finalized adoptive parents who would break promises to birth parents. The finalized adoptive parents who would have mental breakdowns after the baby was placed with them, and they were freaking out about "the overbearing birth parents" (who had an unexpected desire for future visits or more pictures). The prospective adoptive parents who could say that they would take 1/2 AA child, but not 3/4 AA child. So... so much that I do not miss... and stuff that I had little to no control over.

Ethical counseling is so huge. Ethical counseling at an ADOPTION agency is DIFFICULT, if not impossible. I know that I was doing the very best that I could, but there was ALWAYS pressure from above for more birth moms, more adoptive families, more adoptive placements. It was such a horrible conflict, I was working 10+ hour days, 50-60 hours per week. I had a master's degree in counseling plus 8 years of professional experience, and was making less than $30,000. Trying to meet everyone's expectations, you really can't do that for long when you're dealing with people's LIVES. That is why there is always a new birthparent counselor every time you call.

I have been rambling for so long right now, I don't even remember why I decided to post TODAY. After years of lurking, why I decided to post TODAY. I guess just to give an inside perspective. Feel fre to disagree or ask questions. I guess I am open to talking about this now

new layout!

2007-10-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

I get bored easily, this is yet ANOTHER new layout :)
I might do a few more tweaks, cuz Im already bored haha!

Thank you for visiting!

I sorta kinda got tagged.

2007-10-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

I've never really been "tagged" before, and if I was, I have no idea how to do it or what it means, but I saw a bunch of questions over at http://gettingitoffmymind.blogspot.com and she said that if her reader has anything to do w/ adoption consider themself tagged, so here it is.. :)

Im not sure how to tag people, so AMG if you are reading this.. consider yourself tagged :)

Four things I thought about adoption when I was a child:

1. babies lived in hospitals till they got placed
2. Birthmom's placed babies out of convenience, and couldn't possibly love them.
3. Closed adoption was best, don't want to confuse the child.
4. Adoptee's were better off being adopted.

Four things I've learned since then:

1. Babies don't live in hospitals, the either go to foster care, interim care, or directly to their a-parents.. (could be more options, those are just the ones I know of).
2. Mothers LOVE the children they place for adoption, and they do forever. Nothing is convenient about choosing to place.
3. Open adoption is best. Closed adoption could confuse a child MUCH more ("why dosnt she want to know me"). Being fully open and honest is just part of it, and developing a healthy open relationship is going to give the child confidence in who he/she is.
4. Adoptee's may or may not be better off... It's just "different", NOT better. I know plenty of mom's who would have been super mom's had they chosen to keep their child.

Four silly things people have said to me about adoption:

1. Was she young, and unable to care for herself?
2. Do you ever just wish you could be selfish? (referring to my passion for having an open adoption).
3. That is so wonderful you adopted, how special.
4. Do you believe in God? Do you believe in miracles? Then if you have enough Faith, God will allow you to be pregnant.... (yeah um, Im pretty sure God made it clear to me when He took my uterus, that it was OKAY I never be pregnant..)

Four things that are hard about adoption:

1. Wanting to know the right way to say things to my children, to help encourage healthy open discussion regarding their adoption.
2. Answering questions that are not really appropriate, or NOT answering them yet still educating people.
3. Knowing that I may never know how hard things are for J, but knowing she must hurt secretly.
4. Educating others... Especially people who are close minded.

Four ways my adopted child/placed child has surprised me (or how your adoptive/first parents have surprised you if you're an adoptee):

1. Um that we were getting twins :) (they are only 7months old, so so far its in these types of things that surprise me, since they cant yet talk and surprise me w/ something they say)
2. They are white, and even blondies w/ blue eyes (that is the "pedigree" for many hopeful adoptive parents, yet we were open to ANY race, so it was surprising).
3. The love I have for them started the moment I set eyes on them, I was not expecting that.
4. They know us, and get stranger anxiety.

Four things I wish everyone knew about adoption:

1. Adoption is not something you should do just cuz, dont adopt just cuz you cant have children, dont adopt just so you can get that little girl or that blue eyed baby, dont adopt to "save a child", dont think you are doing a wonderful thing, and dont think a firstmom is doing a "selfless and wonderful thing"...... (lol yeah, that's #1)
2. There are a LOT of unethical practices taking place in the world of adoption. If you are looking for an agency, look close at how they act towards firstmom's, and what organizations they support. A LOT of changes need to happen still in the adoption world.
3. I wish everybody truly wanted to KNOW all they could. I would encourage p-aparents to step outside of their wants and look at adoption from a different angle.
4. Adoptee's deserve to be treated as HUMAN... they deserve their original birth certificates, they deserve as much information about their first family as possible. It is disgusting and sad that adoptee's get ignored, or people assume adoptee's should just be "grateful" for being adopted and leave the rest to the past...

Realization

2007-10-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

I get an email from some random baby company every few weeks saying "Your baby is *this many* weeks old"
I've been thinking lately, they are getting so big, and so many "weeks" old... It dawned on me.. Pregnancy is also measured in weeks... J had the twins just into her 34th week...

They will be 34 weeks old in the next few weeks........

I dont know why its bothering me, but its been eating at me for a few days... The little timeline meter drawn for the twins life continues on, past the length of time they knew their mother, while in the womb..... And its almost there, I have almost known them "longer".. Bleh... Ok I can be glad they are mine, and love them to peices, I DO, they rock! But this nagging feeling keeps pestering me!

I miss J.. I know she's trying to move back, so she will be closer. I cant wait. I want to see her again!

The Pixie again

2007-10-08T18:33:00.001-07:00

She crawls... She crawls really pretty well actually.. Its a bit clumsy looking, but she gets around, and she is SO cute doing it!

Mercy.

Was she young?

2007-10-08T18:13:00.001-07:00

So I was at my first babyshower in many many years (except my own a few months ago), and the twins came with me (they entertained plenty well).... Anyhow, someone asked me if twins ran in my family... I was not sure exactly how to answer this.. Well the fact is, twins DO run in MY family lol, so I said "Yes... (then paused, lets be fair here, geez).. But I am not sure if they run in their mom and dad's family, they are adopted... (another slight pause), we adopted them"~ Ok, everybody gets it, great, fine... next topic anybody??

So the lady I was mostly in conversation with leans in and asks me "So was she really young?"

*stunned* What? How do i answer that, what exactly is "really young" anyhow... She was young, sure, younger then me, and younger then I was when I got married... But she's not TOO young to be a mother... "Well, sure, she is rather young... But she does have a 3 year old daughter" I say...

That of course cant be enough questions right?

"Well, was she just not able to take care of them?"

Good gosh, Im at a baby shower, trying to enjoy myself, and how exactly is it fair for any of these questions to be answered about a girl, a mother, who is not here!~~ I wish I could be so bold to say something like this... I just said "Well, I dont know... She is a good mom to her 3 year old. Maybe the prospect of two was overwhelming?" ~! yeah that's what I said (if i remember correctly)...

bleh, I hate those questions, and I hate not being prepared to answer them, I really thought I knew how I'd answer anything.. But, Im not sure, I really dont know HOW to properly answer this question :(

And so it begins.

2007-09-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

Miss Pixie decided she'd like to learn to crawl/fall/somehow wriggle her way OUT of her bouncy chair yesterday... Of course I was in the other room changing a diaper, so I have no idea how she managed this with her "belted in".
The Frog Prince likes to lay on his side when he's in his chair... NO idea how he does that either, but it makes him look like a contortionist!

Nicknames !

2007-09-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

I always wanted to do the "nickname" thing in my blog, but never knew the perfect nicknames :)

Well, my son's nickname is perfect for him.. "Z-man"! (yes I edited to change this haha!)

My daughter's.. Well let me tell you a short story... The other day hubby and I was watching TV and they said something about a "Pixie" I told my hubby i wanted to call our daughter "pixie" as a nickname, and he said "but honey, pixies are evil"~ So I thought for a moment.. thenasked him "Honey, have you NOT seen her glare?!" The girl has a funny little glare that tells me she's up to something! She's only 7months old, but GLARES! And so my friends "Pixie" it is! (she's REALLY not evil, she's more a little trixie pixie then anything) :)

Hmmm other nicknames "Starfish" is their sister, J's daughter... And I still dont think I have the perfect one for J yet..

How do I feel?

2007-09-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

The other day I got a phone call from J (the twin's mom), she's called me a lot more often lately then ever before, its always a short conversation but gives me a great boost the rest of the day...

She wanted to know my opinion on something.. She's considering donating her eggs. Hmmm ok? How do I feel about this? I was speachless, Im not really sure how I feel about it, I know for ME, I could not do it (having a bio-child out there, even though I could not carry a child or make one w/ my husband... No, I couldnt do that, emotionally). But for another person? Hmmmm, I dont know. So she tells me her motive........ She says that she felt good to be able to give me and my hubby children, through adoption, and that she could not have picked better parents for them, that she thinks she would like to donate her egg's to give other families the same oportunity, to be parents. Hmm ok, well I told her it sounds like her motive is right, I mean, she didnt say "well they pay 10k so Im going to do it" (even though Im sure there is money involved, right?) Anyway... Im still not sure how I feel about it.. Part of me worked up this crazy insane story in my head, that there are siblings out in the world, and chances of my children and them meeting, falling in love and getting married freaks me out a bit (lol I know, it's crazy).

I dont know how I feel about this... I really dont.. But, I dont think I am blatantly against it. I think I just mourn the thought of even more siblings my children may never know! (thankfully they WILL always know their sister "Starfish", J's daughter).

I lost a friend

2007-09-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

Over a week late, I got the news that a friend of mine died. Now, I am learning more about her then I ever had, including an adoption related story I had not known..

I feel ill and empty right now, I cannot believe such a young, adventurous, kind, loving, funny person is no longer with us. She was 27 years old, and had just celebrated 8 years of marriage with her husband Marty.

I am haunted with weeks and weeks of memories of me feeling like I should call her, and get together soon... But it is too late...

I am going to miss her so much.. I pray for her husband, and her family and friends. I cannot imagine what they must be going through.

http://www.katu.com/news/local/9538187.html
http://online.statesmanjournal.com/obituaries/obituary.cfm?i=35076

Her brother made a post that has me in tears: (copied from his MySpace)

So I'm writing this because I'm starting to get alot of people asking what's going on, and it's really starting to sink in and it's getting tough to express what's up on an individual basis.

I'll start with a little backround, On St. Patricks Day of 2006 my family grew overnite! A young women named Jessica emailed me to ask if I was her brother. I had been adopted at birth in oregon and as it turned out Jessica is my sister, and I had another sister Michelle and another mom, and a whole ton of other wonderful relatives up in Oregon. As I began to learn about my new family I learned some amazing things about everyone, and one in particular stands out. When Jessica was in her teens our mom Cheri told her that she had an older brother (me) and that I was adopted at birth. Jessica took this knowledge and did an amazing thing, she began to look for me, and when she had known I was 18 she really began to search. Well long story short, after 10 yrears of searching she found me, right here on myspace, from a blog I wrote some time ago about helping a friend find thier birth mother. Just this alone has overwhelmend me, and then to finally meet my family was one of the most amazing experiences of my life! You always hear stories about rejection and sadness when birth families are reunited, but not here, I was taken in and embraced by one of the most loving and wonderful families I have ever met! and to think the work of my sister Jessica made this all possible.
Well Sunday afternoon Jessica drowned while doing something she really enjoys, Tubing down a local river in Oregon. I'm at a loss for words 18 months after being reunited with such a loving family I've lost the one who made it all possible. Jessica in the brief time that I've known her has been one of the most wonderful women I've known, Smart, artistic, loving and amazing in so many ways. Just being able to keep up with her and her life through myspace has been such a blessing, but I still feel a void that has been filled has been suddenly emptied. I'm lucky to have known her for the time that I have, but I was so looking forward to getting to know her even more over the years, And I'm not going to have that opportunity. Jessica in such a short time has given me so much! I've gained a new family because of her love and perserverance something I will never lose, but Sunday I lost a sister.

Remember Cindy

2007-09-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

Cindy is the reason I seek change... She was the first tragic story I heard in my journey to adoption. I never met her, never talked to her, but when she died, her name was everywhere, and I pray her story stays fresh in the minds of those who knew her, those who heard her name, and they will share her name and her story with others who begin the adoption journey...
http://www.remembercindy.com/

Do not forget Cindy
Read her words
Read words from her friends and family
Read her story
Don't forget.

How

2007-09-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

How do you help a hurting friend, one who is used to being so bubbly and happy? How do you take away the aching in her heart? What is the words that will really help her through her hard time? When will I see her smiling face again? When will I get to laugh and be silly with my friend again?

I wish I knew..

By the Not so Cheerio...

2007-09-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

This is a post, from a firstmom on a forum I frequent. I wanted to make sure her post was salvaged (just in case it gets removed, or even if it just simply finds its way down the pages and never is seen again)...
PLEASE read this, and PLEASE keep it close to your heart... If there was a way we could make agencies CHANGE things, I would sign my name any day! This is just not fair, and should NEVER happen :(
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*copied and pasted w/ permission*~~~~~~

For those who might remember me, this is where I am in this botched adoption journey. It might be my last post. It might get edited and/or removed.

Every year around his birthday - since the aparents cut off sending pictures, I struggle more than usual, reflect, ask a bizillion questions, and I search the www for more to read --- hoping to find help.

While searching I found some sites that made me uncomfortable because they felt angry. I don't want to become bitter, I'm trying to find a way to get rid of the anger. Trying to find how to forgive when there is no closure.

But I also found some sites that seem to express how I feel ...one in particular has a statement of 'healing families dismembered by adoption'.
Yes, that is how I feel, totally.

I found articles on how adoption is a billion dollar industry.
Industry. Not a ministry. I don't care if 'christian' is in the middle of the adopt agency name! It's an industry - that's why the one branch that treats natural mothers so awful (yes, where my adoption was botched), and the home office doesn't do anything about it. Because that branch makes $$$$ - moolah! It's all about the bottom line! Get those babies any way you can - no matter how much deceit and lies it takes to dupe the natural mom! Apparently that office is very very good at it.

I found articles on offering financial help to potential aparents.
What? Isn't a primary reason natural mom's even consider adoption, is because of financial security? So, let's spend money ripping families apart, instead of keeping them together, so babies can be placed in financially insecure homes.

I found articles that mention that 80% -
that is EIGHTY % of open and semi-open adoptions are closed.
THAT is pathetic! Darn tootin that my 'counselor' at the time I was carrying did not metnion that to me. No way.
I remember very clearly stating that I would ONLY choose adoption - IF,
IF - IF I would get pictures and update every year. Hmmm, nice of the 'agency' to tell aparents they only had to send them for first 5 years.
Then SLAM - the door is CLOSED - and I'm just a statistic.

I read part of a book for healing for natural moms - there was a 'as if story'. Suppose there was a plane crash - and there were women and babies and mothers. The babies were given to women who did not previously have a baby, and they were told to go on in life 'as if' it was her baby. The babies were told to go on in life ' as if' it was their natural mother. The mother's were told to go on in life 'as if' she never had a baby. The point of the chapter was pointing out that adoption is not based from truths.

This next part was the straw ...it was not an article I read. It from someone I know. A baby boy adopted by two homosexual women.
Tell me how that was in the best interest of the child?

So, this is where not so Cheerio is now in her journey -
grieving like mad
missing my son. I just want to see his face.

I am going to find whatever outlet I can to stand against adoption.
I'm not swinging to pro-abortion, but definitely anti-adoption.
For instance there is a pregnancy center in a county nearby, that does not promote adoption. They promote - yes, you can raise your baby! Here let us help you get the tools you need to do it.
That is what I can agree with.

Do I have regret? Let me put it a different way -
If I knew then what I knew now? would I have made the same choice.
Well, considering that when he was in my womb, THEN I knew I could not live without seeing his face ... NOW knowing that they won't send more pictures. NO I would NOT have made the same choice! (gee i wonder if that's why the counselor accidentally? did not point out the 80% statistic).
If I would have known that the afamily could close the adoption - NO I would NOT have let them have him! If I had known that the 'agency' was just an industry, I would have sought real counsel from another source.

Speaking of counsel - here are the three things forefront of my memory of when I was pregnant and deciding.
The agency sent an intern.
An intern. You don't send an intern to do work that would destroy someone's life!!!
Another thought that keeps coming to mind was that I was told repeatedly "it's ok to be selfish". I guess they honestly feel that way at the agency, because they definitely are.
The third thing that reverberates through my memory was the topic of punishment. "you made a mistake. is it really fair for you to be punished for the rest of your life for that one mistake?" wow, and I thought the mistake was getting pregnant - no, the mistake was releasing for adoption, and guess what it is a punishment that sometimes feels so heavy I can barely stand it.
No, If I had known then what I know now, he would be here with his natural mother and natural father.

But the fact is that I did not know those things at that time.
And now I have to find a way to live with this seeping wound in my soul.
I cry, I ache, I grieve w/out closure.
I go on each day, putting on a smile on - but that's not what is inside.
I'm weighed down, as if I'm wearing a cloak of iron.

- not so cheerio

To honor her

2007-08-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

I know I cannot take away the pain. I know I cannot fix this. I know that she hurts, or will have times of hurt. I know she wishes it were not this way. I know..

I can do all that I can in my power to be a good mom, to my children, to our children. I want to be able to honor their mom in every way, so that beyond all of her pain and hurt, she can feel loved and honored by her children, and by her children's parents (me and my husband).

I have a plea to my friends who read this...

Firstmoms, what have been the most treasured way's your child's parents have honored you?
Adoptive moms, what are some of the things you do, with your children, or in any way, that honors your child's firstfamily?

Right now, I pray outloud with them at night, I thank each of the babies, God, and J for having them in my life.
I talk to them about who they look like, and tell them about their sister as well. (Even tho they have no idea what I am saying).
I give them hugs from J when she asks me to, and tell them who it is from.
I try to always capture pictures that reflect things that remind me of J or her family. (her mom loves frogs, so I try to get some pics w/ frogs in it.. J has given them the cutest booties in the world, so I try to get pictures with them in them, as well as cloths J gave us (the day we met) from their sister when she was a baby.)
I try to write as much detail as possible in update letters
I send random short messages (we both MySpace) and pictures

There are more things I want to do, or plan to do... I am really curious what some of the other things families do, to honor their child's other mom.

Thank you :)

I am a side show act

2007-08-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah... Anywhere I go, be it a drug store, or a mall... ANYBODY who know's of twins, triples, or whatever, parents of twins, adult twins, grandparent twins, and um perfect strangers... HAVE to come up to me and talk to me allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll about my twins...

"OH LOOK MOMMY! TWO BABIES!"
"My twins are 58 years old!" (I ask her if she has a boy and girl and she says yes~)
"Twwwwwiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnssssssss!"
Of as I walk by "did you see that, she had twins!"
Five people surround me "Oh look, is it a boy and girl? are they identicle?" (umm no, one has a penis and one has a gina!)
Same five "I've never seen twin BABIES before, just older twins"
"LOOK MOM"
"awwe two!"
"Oh look"
"Oh I bet they are a handful"
"Ohhh double the trouble!" (pfft what-e-ver dude)
"Oh HE is so cute" (pointing to my daughter pfffffffft!!)
"OH i bet they keep you busy"
"My daughter has twins"
"I have twin boys"
"My neighbors sister has twin girls"

And that... that can be in ONE day, no joke...

I get tired just walking into a store to pick up milk and formula... I sometimes walk as fast as I can just so I look really busy lol

Anyhow... I had no idea it would be like this... But hey, I can certainly manage, I love them more then anything on this earth, so all that crazy circus on the side is worth it for me, I get to come to my quiet peaceful home and snuggle my little bugs to sleep and watch them learn to do new things every single day... Wow... I cannot believe I have two babies, two perfect, and amazing babies... And they are mine... Mine? Wow... Now, if only they could slow down on growing! I cannot believe its been over half of a year!!!

She's their sister, its true

2007-08-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

She's not my daughter, but she is my son and daughters sister. She gets excited to see them, hopefully they will get to play with each other more and more as they all get older. The twins look so much like her.... I hope they grow close, and love each other.

I never expected growing up, that my children would have siblings that were not part of "my" family... Its so hard to make sense of it, since I do not have that love or connection to her, but I know that she should be an important part of my children's life... After all, she did not ask to be separated from her siblings when they were born.

I think it is easy for an adoptive mom to be confused or taken back at what kind of relationship we want for our children's first mother's family... We want to only share OUR parents with them, who ever thought they'd get "extra", but its not extra, it's "first" why does it change after adoption? I think we were raised with such clear cut idea's of family (especially those, like me, who's parents and most of the extended family have not experienced divorce, spouse death, or other such things that separate families).

I cannot completely fault an adoptive mom who is not fully comfortable saying "sister" or "sibling", I know I was at that spot in my life once... I understand why someone might feel that way, its a hard place to be in, and emotional... Nobody grows up wanting to share their kids with other "family".. It is not easy to accept, that yes in fact, when you chose to adopt, you are not ONLY inviting a child into your family, you are inviting everybody.... Obveously you will be the only one raising and parenting your child, and once you can come to peace with that, then it can be easy to accept the rest of the family as your "extended family", and truly, that is the most rewarding part for me... My kids have an awesome mom (not me, the other mom), their sister is SO active and just sparkles! Their grandma is SOOOO nice and looks far too young to be a grandma hehe :) I bet she loves not looking like a "grandma" but having three of the cutest grand kids ever!

I wish families could overcome some of these feelings before they have their child home.. I cannot imagine it being easy to process when they have a child already in their home. But my hope is that they DO accept it, and come to a point in their life they are happy for the uniqueness that adoption brings, I think that is best for the children anyway, AND everybody else involved..

I am curious... How many of you had to really process the idea of siblings, and that evil thing we call "titles" (sister, brother, birthsister *bleh* and so on....???!?!?!) Was it EASY to accept, or did it take a bit of effort or time?

"Gimme your baby"

2007-07-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was in a chat room today, when a new person popped on and said her and her husband were adopting and asked if there were any ladies looking to place their children...

I reacted w/ the first thing that came to mind~

"Go away, we do not sell babies here"~

Then immediatly realized THIS is the type of person I need to be reaching out to! So I followed up with a "let me rephrase that"~ and talked to her for a little bit.... She logged out of chat right after me and the other girl in the chat room gave her links to our blogs (hi!), but I have to wonder if she is interested in learning more? Ya know what I mean?

To be perfectly (and regretfully) honest... It was like looking in a mirror of myself from a few years ago... I just WANTED a baby... That was it, please dont bug me, or get to know me, I dont want to have to get to know you... Just please, give me your baby... yeah that was me...

I have seen other chat rooms and message forums that are like that... And when I went to check it out, I felt DIRTY for even reading some of the crap people posted there... (and NO Im not going to link the site, wich I dont even have anymore, even if I did, why would I want to link it and risk the chance of someone using it)

Anyhow... I wish I always had the perfect words to say to people who jump out and show thier new-ness and NEED for information and loving education... I know that by telling her to go away, I sounded like nothing but a mean "hater"~ and most anything I say after that will always be echo'd by my hatefull comments that started the conversation... /sigh.

Order of the Pheonix!

2007-07-11T03:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah, its 3am and I just got back from watching the 5th series SO!?

I'm not going to spoil a thing... They did a brilliant job on the movie, and as usual (this isn't a spoiler, since we already know ALL the movies tend to improvise a little) which bugs me sometimes a little sometimes a lot...

It is my opinion, the new characters added to this movie play their parts nearly exactly how I envisioned them to be (with the exception that I always thought Looney had darker hair). Umbridge is the perfect woman to hate and pity... Oh the joy..

Ok ok Im going to bed now, you all should go watch HP asap!

Vancouver (Washington) Assistance

2007-06-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

This is my little effort for my local area:

Pregnancy Testing, and counceling:
Health Clinic

TEEN specific, and confidential:
Teen Assistance

WIC:
WIC info

Washington Homeless/ Low Income housing assistance:
Living Assistance
Shelter (battered women / children)
Section 8 Housing

Financial Assistance:
Address to write (for food stamps / other assistance)

Crisis Pregnancy Centers:
List of Washington centers

CUB: Adoption Booklet for women considering placing thier children for adoption
CUB booklet

What else am I missing? ERIN I know you did a ton of homework lately, what else? :) I want to compile this stuff into something I can somehow get out there to girls facing unplanned pregnancies.

I dont understand why this happens so much

2007-06-21T22:43:00.001-07:00

Another father, stripped of his rights... its sick
Take a look

There is also a petition out for him, on his page.

On a personal note, it bothers me especially, since they are Mormon, and thier philosophy on why the child should be placed is just annoying and brings back a lot of memories of being treated like a robot.

My favorite reminder

2007-06-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

I read this story for the first time about 5 months ago, and at the time I had forgotten to put her blog on my favorites... But the story has always been a reminder for me of the literal pain that is present in a child being seperated from thier firstmother. Please, once you read it, make sure you add her blog to your favorites, she has such an awesome way of expressing herself. I know I have a lot of catching up to do now that I found her site again. (Thank's to Nicole for introducing her blog to me in the first place, so long ago).

An Ethical agency?

2007-06-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

Ok I've heard of this local agency from a few people, and I know somoene using them right now.. So I clicked on the link to check them out more, just out of curiosity (no Im NOT even interested in a second adoption anytime in the next um few years).

So far Im impressed, check this out:

"Our experience tells us that children are able to understand about adoption even at a very young age. We also believe it is in the child's best interest to know their birthparents love them, which is why we are advocates of open adoption.

There are many pressures on you; it seems everyone has an opinion. We promise not to tell you what to do, but instead to help you listen to what your heart and mind are saying."

THREE key points all written in one little happy cluster :)
*children understand, even early
*advocates of open adoption
*recognize that others are preassuring, but they say they arent intersted in that..

YES there is a lot of REFORM I still see... They used the word "birthmother" and explained why:

"You may have already become familiar with the term "birthmother" or "birthparents". These terms are ones commonly used in adoption when referring to biological parents who make an adoption plan for their child."

Im not fond of this explanation at all, and hope someday its gone or changed..

I saw some other wonderfull things, like thier explanation on open adoption (a lot of good things, and only a small ammount of "fluff"
OH and they also actually mention that in oregon you can make your open adoption legal (OTHER agencies DONT EVEN MENTION IT!) Bravo!

http://www.planlovingadoptions.org/

Hey Im not advertising them, I was just clicking around and came across something that seems a lot better then some of the crap I have read latly.

Spit it out already!

2007-06-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

So, as many of you know, I frequently post on an adoption web forum....

Every few months a poster I dont recognize will make a post that they have had it and are leaving the forums... Ok, well too bad I never got to see any of thier story since they dont post.. They say they feel judged.. They say they cant every say what they feel because there is a handfull of ladies who will attack them...

Okay, sure some discussions get heated, and sometimes people get a little out of control (from both parties). BUT not because they are trying to cause havok or anything, most of the time people get heated and passionate is because they are trying to witness and press an important point that is often ignored by the norm. I myself have been called a "know it all" in private messages on many occations and been told that I should not post my point of view because I volunteer moderator services to the forums.

I wish I understood WHAT exactly they are so upset over? I rarely see a real solid reason for why they are so frusterated and upset over things.. Is it because people are disagreeing w/ each other? (cuz if it is, that is like omg sad). Is it because not everybody shares your opinion? (you need HELP if it is). Is it because it makes you think, and that brings up too many emotions? (cuz that is what we are TRYING to do, and that ISNT a bad thing!) So.. SPIT IT OUT ALREADY, I dont understand what the big deal is!

Disgusted

2007-06-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

Spitting Nails

Take a look at this woman's blog..
She is one of the many people I know taking a stand against unethical adoption practices, and this is what she gets for her efforts :(
Honestly, I am disgusted, and sadly Im not entirely surprised....

"birthmothers.org"

2007-06-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

This is a site for women facing an unplanned pregnancy, where they can get NON-judgemental assistants, and a "friend"...

This is one small section:
"Some women need support as they define their relationship with their child's father.

Some women decide to parent their child.

Some women are surprised to learn about the many benefits of adoption.

Some women decide to have an abortion."

~Ok, first of all, you are supposed to be NON-judgemental, yet you are already calling this expectant mother a "birthmother"?? Next, you seem to emphasise the "greatness" of choosing adoption, since you added the bit about all the "benefits" there are... Yet you are going to say you sit there and chat over the phone with this women and give NO preassure or recomendations? Sometimes its not what you say its how you say it, right?

I found this site by clicking thru different sites from the NCFA (wich I am trying to learn more about, and am already feeling dirty and disgusted reading about them). The National Council for ADOPTION are PARTNERS with "Birthmothers.org" ~ who claims to not preassure one way or another? Im not sure I could trust someone like this, and call them "friend" (the name wich they call thier assistants)...

Wow, what an interesting day on the net.

Who has the rights, who needs the rights

2007-06-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

Ok this might be a big jumbled mess of thoughts, but Im going to try to get this out..

There is a large group of adoptee's who's rights have been yanked from them without thier knowledge, often when they were inocent infants. The ability to get thier personal information such as thier original birth cirtificate, and other information regarding thier biological connections.

What frusterates me the most is that we allow that. I dont think it should be legal. I think someone wishing to place thier children for adoption should have two choice: "yes, contact me I am here and available" or "please use disgresion and a mediary person when contacting me"~ I DO understand a person's need for privacy, in as much as being a little more cautious when contacting them... But I dont think we should be able to completely take away ALL information the way it can be done.

Thankfully, I dont think its done as much anymore, but I know that it still happens...

I wonder if we can overturn more of those sealed laws.. I know a few states have.

OK, did I make any sense??

"Mother"

2007-05-28T00:46:00.000-07:00

Am I missing sometihng here? Why isnt "natural mother" or anything related to giving birth to a child in this definition?? Maybe my eye's are just missing it? Is it really NOT here? That is terrible, I dont understand! PLEASE someone tell me Im missing the area that describes a "birthmother" in the definition of "MOTHER"! The dictionary cant be swayed by society can it!?!?!?!?!

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source
moth·er1 /ˈmʌðər/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[muhth-er] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a female parent.
2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.
3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother.
4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.
5. a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman.
6. mother superior.
7. a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone.
8. the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself.
9. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.
10. (in disc recording) a mold from which stampers are made.
–adjective
11. being a mother: a mother bird.
12. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a mother: mother love.
13. derived from or as if from one's mother; native: his mother culture.
14. bearing a relation like that of a mother, as in being the origin, source, or protector: the mother company and its affiliates; the mother computer and its network of terminals.
–verb (used with object)
15. to be the mother of; give origin or rise to.
16. to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own.
17. to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.
–verb (used without object)
18. to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally: a woman with a need to mother.

Co-parenting?

2007-05-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

I've been re-introduced to the idea of "co-parenting" recently over at Nicole's blog. I used to be scared to death of that word, and a few years ago co-parenting would have definatly made me chose NOT to become an adoptive parent.....

But really... In a sense, I feel like co-parenting is a lot like open adoption... I know its not the same thing, but there are some paralell's to it that seem to be positive intentions...

I'm not ashamed or insecure that my children have another mother, a more natural mother and connected mother then I am to them. They have a sister even, how cool is that! They have a grandma that loves them, and other family members I have not met yet. I am happy about this, and hope to continue to get to know them, and be able to be a part of thier lives, and them a part of mine...

Now when we look at the different types of parents we have, we will always find several different types... I have a sister who's son lives with his father. She see's him frequently, however she is not a huge part of the decision making in his daily life. She does what she can financially for him when he is with her, and would bend over backwards for him at the drop of a hat, but he dosnt live with her and live under her rules. He has been living with his dad since he was a small boy, Im not even sure if he really remember's living with his mother. He loves her, I can see that very clearly because he is an affectionate young man who is sincere and loving.
This is co-parenting, in a more distant way, right? And from what it seems, its been a very healthy relationship...

On the flip side, I have had many friends with parents who were split up, and they were being co-parented in similar degree's as my sister's son. Most of my friends had difficulty with these mixed up relationships. Most of my friends rebelled against one of the parents. Most of my friends grew up with a lot of angst and frusteration. Most of my friends ran away at least once (never getting far tho). And finally, most of my friends grew up to be somewhat mature independant adults... A few still have not grown up, and should be.

This is such a balancing act... The differences in the parents who's children were more successfull then others was communication, and a respect for the other parent... I think a child still might have difficulties with a co-parenting situation, but I think it might be possible at a point in a childs life, if they truely seem like they would benefit from it...

The question now is, when is that appropriate age? I am not pre-planning or anything, my children are still babies, I am just curious about this. I want to hear from families who ARE co-parenting with thier children's firstparents. I want to hear from adoptee's who have been a part of this type of concept.

"How could she do that"

2007-05-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

Someone at the store hit me with that one today.. I've heard it was still around, that silly question, that unexpected aghast.
"Such beautifull babies, how could someone give them away"
Geeze lady, have you ever found yourself in a situation that you had to step outside of you OWN self, and make a decision that affected someone else?? Not an easy task I assume... And yes, they are beautifull. Should only ugly babies get adopted? Hey, Im not all that fond of adoption, and a LOT of junk that comes along with it.. but this question just sounds so insensative.

Oh of course she had to be even more cliche and follow up with "Did you make sure she signed papers and cant change her mind? I saw on a movie that happened!"

Lord have mercy on my SOUL!

Tears and stuff

2007-05-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

Im not even sure how to express the joy it was, to recieve a phone call from the twin's firstmother today, on this crazy messed up holiday called Mother's Day. She wanted to wish me a happy First Mother's Day. Tear stains on a soiled burp rag is my response to such compassion. That was far better then some silly Hallmark card (wich is going to arrive at her house late).

Mother's Day, go away

2007-05-13T02:11:00.000-07:00

I tried to tell my husband my reasons for boycotting Mother's Day. He dosnt agree with me, but whatever... I dedicated the day to the twin's firstmother. She is the one that deserves it more really. She carried 2, she labored 2, she delivered (2 different ways), she suffered stitches, and only seeing them for a few minutes before the got whisked away to another town and not seeing them again for almost 2 months!

I got used to making this day NOT exist for me, for the world (my poor mother suffered from my lack of acknowledging this day). I dont NEED this day. I am content not having this day. I can sit and feel blessed and happy to be a mother ANY day, I dont need a day set aside for that. Geez.

I hate that firstmother's ache on this day, that isnt fair to them. Why cant something good come of a day like this for them, I mean if there has to be a mother's day. Instead its this terrible reminder (no matter how content they are w/ placing). blah!

Ok, its 2am, and I think the wine is finally wearing off....

In her eyes

2007-05-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

Last month we finally was able to make the trek down to the birthplace of the twins, and have our first visit with thier mother. It was really nice to finally see her again, and see the twins with her for the first time. We got to meet her daughter and her mother. I was nervous all the way there, but as soon as I got out of the car, my nerves were put to ease with the welcome we got from thier mother. She seems to be so content, and was really excited to indroduce them to her daughter. I smiled inside, as she introduced them to her, as her "brother" and "sister" (a term I had hoped she would use with them, but hadnt discussed it).

A little while later thier mother was holding princess. It was a sweet sight for me to see. Princess started to sort of wimper a little, and to my surprise and sadness her mom said "Are you looking for your mommy, I know, Im not your mommy". I couldnt find the words to say anything just yet, it was only the first few minutes of seeing her, and I wanted to see if she would warm up a little to this crazy new world she was experiencing.

Later on in the visit, we were talking about how the agency kept calling her to ask her how she was emotionally. She told me she did not need any counceling and she was glad when they got thier phone number changed. I told her if she ever felt the need for counceling to call them and let her know that they told us she would have counceling available for life (yeah, we'll see how true that really is, right). Well she said to me "I'm okay I dont need counceling. Besides, its not like I lost anything, see, they are right here". That made me feel really GOOD (for the time)... But when I really sit back and think about this, I know that eventually she is probobly not going to feel that way. I HOPE I can help her feel that way for the most part, but I think as she gets older, that feeling may not be quite as reassuring.

So, that was our visit. It went better then I expected. Not that I expected a bad visit, but I think I expected tears, or sadness, or something like that (wich I should know better, she has never really shown a lot of that). She did say her mother cried when she walked her out to the car. I hope her mother feels like a grandmother to them.

So now here I am, I feel like I prepaired for all of the "what if's" in regards to the twins firstmother and her feelings. But at the same time, I feel like a jumbled up mess of feelings. So this is what the adjustment period is like huh?

So your saying Im fat?

2007-04-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

I have heard it from other a-mom's before, they have huge lists full of them... "Stupid things people say to you" as an adoptive or infirtle person.....

What I did not prepare myself for: "You look great for just having twins" (said not only by people who KNOW I just adopted, but by strangers as well). To the people who know me, I can tell they are finding humor in it, I am just not sure I find humor in it with them, but I laugh along with them for the most part... For strangers however, I have this urge to correct them every time "Oh no no, I adopted them"... Hey I dont mind being honest, and honoring my twins mother with producing such awsome babies, but its feeling like a broken record, and I feel like eventually its going to sound like, I dunno, not as much honor for thier mom and more just annoyed at answering the question yet again (and again, and again)...

So this gets me thinking about later on... When my child is older and people say something stupid "Your daughter looks just like you!" Im not sure how a child would react to the broken record of "Oh no no, I adopted her" So if it sounds that bad when my child is older, why isnt it that bad as infants?

Bleh.. I wish I could remember all the things I tried to burn into my memory of what I would do/say in these situations.

Quest5ions to consider

2007-04-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I knew all the answers to this, I wish I could say I was the one to make this list of questions, but I am not... Nicole asked them in a recent online forum. These questions are worth pondering, studying, and truely trying to find the answers to them.. How many do you know?

Do you know the history of adoption as an institution? How it was started in America?
Do you know how it has evolved over the years, and the social and political forces that made it evolve?
Do you know whether your state has legally binding open adoption agreements?
Do you know whether your state has open records for adoptees?
Do you know which states have no revocation periods for relinquishing moms?
Do you know what the major political players in adoption are?
Do you know what political ties your agency has?
Do you know what the Infant Adoption Awareness Act is, and how it has influenced pregnancy counseling in agencies?
Do you know if your agency has attended Infant Adoptoin Training in the past or present?
Do you know what your agency's official, political stance is on open records, legally binding openness agreements, putative father registries, Safe Havens, the adoption tax credit?
Do you know what your agency's REASONING is for their stances?
Do you know how many adoptees applied for their original birth certificates in the states where records became open?
Do you know what percentage of relinquishing moms say they want to be found, or to fine, their relinquished children?
Do you know what the NCFA is, and what it does, and what it stands for? Ditto for the Evan B. Donaldson Institute.
Do you know how unmarried pregnant women were treated pre Roe-v.-Wade--by their families, society, churches, medical staff, and agencies?
Do you know what the studies show about the effects of being adopted, or relinquishing a child?
Can you articulate how it feels to be a mother who relinquished? A father?
Can you articulate how it feels to be in a crisis pregnancy?
Can you articulate how it feels to be adopted? At age 1 week, at age seven years old, at age 15, at age 20, at age 45?
Can you articulate how it feels to be infertile?
Can you articulate how it feels to want a child with all your heart, and be at the mercy of govt. regulations or another woman's decision?
Can you articulate how it feels to have a child you'll never be biologically connected to?
Do you know the common demographic of most U.S. women who voluntarily relinquish children?
Are you aware of past and present corruption issues that sometimes cause slowdowns or moratoriums on international adoptions?
Do you know what the Hague Convention is?
Do you know where all the "orphanage donation" money in internatioal adoptions goes?
Do you know how bonding and attachment occur in human infants, do you understand the difference, and can you articulate how relinquishment/abandonment and adoption might affect those processes?
Have you read the stories of women who relinquished, in their own words?
Have you read the stories of adoptees, in their own words?
Do you know which adoption book was on the Amazon top ten list for 2006?
Do you know the personal story behind the book "Fast Track Adoption"?
Have you read the stories of transracial adoptees, in their own words?
Do you know what types of adoption measures your state government, and your country's president, support?
Do you know how much money is in involved in one year in the adoption industry, in the U.S.?
Do you understand the links between some pro-life organizations and some adoption organizations?
Are you aware of the fact that many, many women who've relinquished do not consider abortion and adoption to be related issues, that they are two separate decisions made at two different points in time?
Are you aware that the vast majority of people who apply to adopt are approved?
Are you aware of the Americans With Disabilities Act, and do you know how it relates to adoption?
Are you aware of the average cost of foster care adoption? Domestic infant? International? Domestic black infants?

The real journey begins...

2007-03-09T00:58:00.000-08:00

So after over a decade of marriage, and half a decade of wanting to adopt as our only choice, we are now finally proud parents to twins.. Yes, TWINS!
Last month we got a call that we had been chosen, and that she was expecting a boy and a girl, oh yes, and that she was having contractions!
13 days later she gave birth to two of the most amazingly adorable and perfect babies I've ever laid eyes on...

All the things I used to be ready for, and "want" changed... I wanted to be for the most part away from the hospital experience.. But as it ended up, we were the only parents w/ the children while they were in the hospital because they were in a different one that had a NICU in it, over 2 hours away.. That broke my heart that thier mother would not be able to be with them during that time, but she was firm in not wanting to go, and so we honored her and went to be with them...
I guess that got me out of having to go thru all the emotions of seeing her have to physically give up her children to us, but its still not the ideal thing I had hoped for... What is really ideal really anyway, I guess...

We have kept in contact online mostly, and she loves to hear updates about how the little ones are doing.. I know she loves them both so much.

The twins are now just over 2 weeks old, and growing like crazy! They were born over a month premature, so they are still very small, but I am seeing the changes as they inhale thier little bottles :)

I heard a lady tell me that being an adoptive mother felt "wierd" at times... Her daughter is a bit older, so I dont think Im there quite yet.. For me, right now... Things just feel natural for some reason, its really hard to describe. My love for the twins is stronger then I thought it could be this soon... I tear up sometimes when I see my new daughter being held by her daddy, he's so gentle with her, and she completely loves him its amazing! She's going to be a daddy's girl I can tell... My son on the other hand tends to snuggle best with me, and loves to just be held or talked to. A mamma's boy? Oh boy....

So this is what parenthood is?? Part of me has this wierd feeling like its not fully "real" yet.. The other part realizes its real and knows we're in store for quite the ride now! :)

Guess we'll wait and see!

Brainfuzz: Random everythingness

2007-02-03T01:14:00.000-08:00

*Why do all adoption topics started by a firstparent end up being a dispute with adoptive parents? Why is it when a firstmother tells a story, shares a poem, or reposts a letter she saw that reminds her of her child she gets attacked, or made to feel like she has no right to feel this way.....

*Why to p-aparents ALWAYS seem to think that an unborn child is "thiers" because an expectant mother chose them "to be the parents".... I dont completely blame p-aparents actually, I wish that e-parents would get the advice from thier councelors to strictly use terms like "IF I make an adoption plan".... That said, us, as p-adoptive parents should NOT be so stupid to think that OUR story is "different" and "she really means it" as if nobody else has ever told a p-aparent that and meant it! (and please, anybody that reads this and knows me.... IF I EVER act like this when I am chosen, KICK ME!)

*Why do brand new parents hire a lawyer and put up a huge fight when a unrecognized parent (father) comes forward wishing to raise his *assumed* child?? Granted, I think a paternity is in order, sure... BUT that part should be done immediatly, and if the child is in fact his, the child needs to be with his father.. His father did not make an adoption plan for his child... Perhaps the mother kept him from her, perhaps he did not know she was pregnant till very late in the pregnancy.... You dont know his story, and frankly you dont need to. Your adoption isnt final, its brand new. I hate it, but things happen to disrupt adoptions, and if you went into an adoption knowing a father's rights were NOT recognized, that is your fault for going into a risky adoption plan... I DO feel your pain, I dont imagine its easy... But its the right thing to do.... At least, that is how I see it......

*How SAD for an expectant mother to face "forced" parenting because the father will not sign his rights away...... This cannot be a good situation for anybody.. Im not saying that adoption is the "right" choice in this situation, its just REALLY sad to see a child suddenly become a "living pawn"... And too many times have I heard single mothers who have disputes with the father, gripe and moan and dangle thier child for money and other things... This is probobly what will end up happening when a mother is forced to keep her child so that the father dosnt "get" it (as if it was a stinkin jean jacket from thier relationship!!!) I TRY so hard not to be overly opinionated on this, especially when adoption was the original plan, but sometimes it makes me sick! (and really, I dont even know the ideal answer for a situation like this)

*Why do people have so many breaks in communication? Dont they know that is the biggest problem-causing issue there is! I cant think of one thing BAD that happened that dosnt have a ton of poor communication involved..... Swallow your pride, ignore your insecurities, "get over it" and communicate! Without it you are far worse off :)

And with that, I greet my pillow for slumber...

First thought...

2006-12-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

Confabulations by Me is my newest blog that will be a place to discuss and share my thoughts about the adoption world, all angles, all points of view. I am currently on the waiting list to adopt a newborn in the US, yet I have many fears for how the current adoption world is working. Mainly my fear is that the agency will treat an expectant mother as a "baby machine". That scares and worries me, and most of all saddens and devastates me.

Why dont I simply choose a different method of adoption?

Because I believe there are cases, fewer then norm, but they exist, where I will be needed. I believe that somebody that chooses me someday will truely have no other choice that will be best for her infant child...... I want to be there for her, and for her child.. I would like to be a mother, but I would not like to "screw" smeone else to get there... And so my wait continues......

Right now I strugle with the idea of "what is best" for a child... There are so many opinons on this.

I believe a two parent home (while important and signifigant) is not a reason to place a child for adoption.. If anything this should be considered as a "bonus" but even adoptive parents divorce, so this should not be a signifigant reason.

I believe age is nothing... Ok personally its something, but I know mothers who kept thier children at age 14, and they did great, so Im not going to think my opinion is "law".. I am sure that SOME girls at the age of 14 would be terrible mothers (but so are some girls at age 35).

Drugs and Alcohol is a concern for me...... Do I condem a mother by taking her child because of it? Maybe? In some cases, most definatly... But I dont think all cases....

Finances? This depends, and its terribly sad..... I think a person can make ends meat with a part time job, and assistance from the state... But at the same time, if somoene is already struggling imensely, its hard to imagine how they will survive with an additional mouth to feed. How sad that this is such a problem in the US :( (I guess what Im saying is, if its finances as a main reason, then it should be VERY poor, like struggling to even keep yourself above water, you know what I mean?)

I can say all this...... YET, I honestly dont think I ever have a right to judge why a person should or should not choose adoption vs parenting...