So last month I visited J twice. Two times in 3 days actually!
The first was at a mall, we walked around, played a little, and had lunch. It was not as relaxed as I thought it might be, and by the end of it the twins were tired and cranky so that made things a little difficult.
The second visit happened because I volunteered to taxi J's boyfriend for his job stuff. Once finished driving him around I hung out with J and the twins sister A. We played in the grass, talked, played more... Very relaxing, and was so nice to just hang out with them. I got a lot more details about the birth of the twins, as well as stories of J. Mostly just casual conversation.
I wonder if J would agree, that we don't put on a different face during a visit... I don't know. She had to discipline her daughter a few times, and I had to get after the twins a few times. We might have been "nicer" in how we get after our kids in front of each other, but I think people in general are that way around company. It's not like I am a big-fat-bully when nobody is around, it just takes on a sterner voice I guess... One of those voices that just doesn't come natural around company :) I wonder as the kids get older and possible need that stern voice, if it will in fact come around when company is present.. I do not know. But I am still ME in those times.
So yeah, that's my story :)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Copy Cat
Ok so this is copied from a web forum I post to, but it is MY thoughts, and I still think them. I wanted it to feel more permanent so I am repeating it here on my blog.
__________
Recently I got to be a guest at my friend's visit with her daughter she placed for adoption 3years ago. This is the fourth visit and each time seems to be better and more relaxed and comfortable for everybody. (I have been able to be at all 4 visits so far)
This year, I came to a few realizations:
*I learned first hand that ALL stories are different. We try to post on here as if ALL stories were the same, but they really aren't. There is no single cookie cutter-adoption triad /story out there, I think we should be called "snowflakes" instead of "triad members" Smile
*I learned that men are ALL the same, but it's ok cuz it keeps them out of our hair sometimes.
*I learned that Barbie Jeeps dont hurt when they run over your toes.
*I learned that kids "get" more then we give credit to them for.
*I learned I missed something valuable in the process of placement... This is HUGE for me, and it has been really affecting my heart since realizing it.... Let me explain a bit:
It has been said here that the hospital experience should be the mother's time. I will STILL agree with that for *MANY* situations, but not all. Either way, it comes to the actual placement, the moment that many of you have or will face... A mother physically handing her child to you, bestowing upon you HER role, mother.....
I missed that... I did not have to look into a tear stained face and choke back my own tears as I was handed such a title... This has really made me take advantage of my role, without the memory... I dont know how to describe why I feel "badly" for missing this part of the process... I think it is because I looked into a face the other night, and SAW the memory come leaking out of a mothers eyes...
I do believe everything happens for a reason. My dear friend tells me that God knows my heart and was perhaps protecting it by not putting me through such an event. (I admit, I was dreading a moment like that when the twins were born, but thought I was GOING to happen *assuming she placed with us*, I never imagined we would be 2 hours away and not even SEE J for over a month after taking the twins home).
Our hospital time with J was like visiting a friend after a "normal" surgery. She was in great pain physically, but did not talk about it to us. She was not emotional, actually she was just candid and light humored. We talked about Anna Nicole Smith (I believe she had just died). We watched the TV in her room. J talked about how "sexy" the twins were, and showed us pictures off their digital camera. When we said goodbye, it was casual, it was friendly, it was surreal... The next 9 days were spent as "substitute parents" at the NICU. We knew we were not officially parents of these two, even though the hospital treated us as any other parent. We "parented" them in every aspect we could while we were there, and of course fell madly in love with them... We were the only people there, other then a wonderful hospital staff. I never wanted that, I was READY and WILLING for J to have *HER* hospital time.. I wanted that for her.... And it never happened. I thought about that a lot. But somehow I had forgotten or not really thought as much about what I missed.. The placement, the actual moment. I have to wonder if missing that means I am lacking in appreciation or understanding of why and how I am a mother.
...... so.... Those were just a few things I have been pondering since watching my friend visit with her daughter's mommy....
Some things that I also noticed, that are a lot more light hearted then the above:
both mom's:
About the same height
Somewhat similar build
Same color hair
Same choice in hair spray and obsession about hair (go "Big Sexy Hair"!)
Same/similar cute trendy fashion choices
both seem to like some of the same things
both are madly in love with a super cute super active little girl.
__________
Recently I got to be a guest at my friend's visit with her daughter she placed for adoption 3years ago. This is the fourth visit and each time seems to be better and more relaxed and comfortable for everybody. (I have been able to be at all 4 visits so far)
This year, I came to a few realizations:
*I learned first hand that ALL stories are different. We try to post on here as if ALL stories were the same, but they really aren't. There is no single cookie cutter-adoption triad /story out there, I think we should be called "snowflakes" instead of "triad members" Smile
*I learned that men are ALL the same, but it's ok cuz it keeps them out of our hair sometimes.
*I learned that Barbie Jeeps dont hurt when they run over your toes.
*I learned that kids "get" more then we give credit to them for.
*I learned I missed something valuable in the process of placement... This is HUGE for me, and it has been really affecting my heart since realizing it.... Let me explain a bit:
It has been said here that the hospital experience should be the mother's time. I will STILL agree with that for *MANY* situations, but not all. Either way, it comes to the actual placement, the moment that many of you have or will face... A mother physically handing her child to you, bestowing upon you HER role, mother.....
I missed that... I did not have to look into a tear stained face and choke back my own tears as I was handed such a title... This has really made me take advantage of my role, without the memory... I dont know how to describe why I feel "badly" for missing this part of the process... I think it is because I looked into a face the other night, and SAW the memory come leaking out of a mothers eyes...
I do believe everything happens for a reason. My dear friend tells me that God knows my heart and was perhaps protecting it by not putting me through such an event. (I admit, I was dreading a moment like that when the twins were born, but thought I was GOING to happen *assuming she placed with us*, I never imagined we would be 2 hours away and not even SEE J for over a month after taking the twins home).
Our hospital time with J was like visiting a friend after a "normal" surgery. She was in great pain physically, but did not talk about it to us. She was not emotional, actually she was just candid and light humored. We talked about Anna Nicole Smith (I believe she had just died). We watched the TV in her room. J talked about how "sexy" the twins were, and showed us pictures off their digital camera. When we said goodbye, it was casual, it was friendly, it was surreal... The next 9 days were spent as "substitute parents" at the NICU. We knew we were not officially parents of these two, even though the hospital treated us as any other parent. We "parented" them in every aspect we could while we were there, and of course fell madly in love with them... We were the only people there, other then a wonderful hospital staff. I never wanted that, I was READY and WILLING for J to have *HER* hospital time.. I wanted that for her.... And it never happened. I thought about that a lot. But somehow I had forgotten or not really thought as much about what I missed.. The placement, the actual moment. I have to wonder if missing that means I am lacking in appreciation or understanding of why and how I am a mother.
...... so.... Those were just a few things I have been pondering since watching my friend visit with her daughter's mommy....
Some things that I also noticed, that are a lot more light hearted then the above:
both mom's:
About the same height
Somewhat similar build
Same color hair
Same choice in hair spray and obsession about hair (go "Big Sexy Hair"!)
Same/similar cute trendy fashion choices
both seem to like some of the same things
both are madly in love with a super cute super active little girl.
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