Under the covers

Many of you know me from webforums, but some of you don't. To those of you who haven't seen this post already on other blogs or forums, I want to share it with you here, to preserve it somehow, and make sure people SEE it...

This is written by a former employee of an adoption Agency. I am going to edit out the name of the agency because I believe in MANY cases this has to do with more then just THIS particular agency.

(The author has given me permission cross post this) This was in response to a discussion regarding Ethical counseling being difficult to find in an adoption agency (since they would most likely paint Adoption into a "better option" vs. using a Unplanned Pregnancy counseling.

I am a former birthparent and adoptive parent counselor at (edited out agency name). I do not work for the agency (or any adoption agency) anymore. I worked in that capacity for four years, and just couldn't do it anymore. I have been surfing these boards for a few years...usually daily. The voice on these boards was the best 'training' I ever received on how to be a truly ethical counselor. The voice on these boards is what strongly led me to leave the entire adoption world. Thank you.

I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did everything in my power to be an ethical birthparent counselor. I would tell women & men, "my life does not change at the end of the day, whether you place or not.... your life does... your baby's life does." I left the decision up to them, but I helped them pursue EVERY SINGLE avenue possible. Parenting, guardianship, help from relatives, birthfather 100% parenting, and different types of adoption. Some made adoption plans, most parented. The stats in my office were quite low of parents making adoption plans. Many of my moms/dads would come to a peace about their decision to parent, and would call me, send me cards, wedding announcements, birth announcements, etc... years after their decision to parent. I do miss this part of the job (which started as just that, but transformed into "a calling").

The type of work I do not miss are the staff meetings. The review of the numbers of placements, adoptive families, prospective birth parents (who of course were not called "prospective"). The reality of the revenue... the risk of job cuts "if the budget (read: placement #'s) are not met. The marketing contacts. The NCFA-sponsored trainings to healthcare professionals. The other counselors who did not agree with my perspective on birthparent counseling, and who did a crummy job of ethical counseling themselves. The prospective adoptive families who would call drooling over expectant parents. The finalized adoptive parents who would break promises to birth parents. The finalized adoptive parents who would have mental breakdowns after the baby was placed with them, and they were freaking out about "the overbearing birth parents" (who had an unexpected desire for future visits or more pictures). The prospective adoptive parents who could say that they would take 1/2 AA child, but not 3/4 AA child. So... so much that I do not miss... and stuff that I had little to no control over.

Ethical counseling is so huge. Ethical counseling at an ADOPTION agency is DIFFICULT, if not impossible. I know that I was doing the very best that I could, but there was ALWAYS pressure from above for more birth moms, more adoptive families, more adoptive placements. It was such a horrible conflict, I was working 10+ hour days, 50-60 hours per week. I had a master's degree in counseling plus 8 years of professional experience, and was making less than $30,000. Trying to meet everyone's expectations, you really can't do that for long when you're dealing with people's LIVES. That is why there is always a new birthparent counselor every time you call.

I have been rambling for so long right now, I don't even remember why I decided to post TODAY. After years of lurking, why I decided to post TODAY. I guess just to give an inside perspective. Feel fre to disagree or ask questions. I guess I am open to talking about this now

Realization

I get an email from some random baby company every few weeks saying "Your baby is *this many* weeks old"
I've been thinking lately, they are getting so big, and so many "weeks" old... It dawned on me.. Pregnancy is also measured in weeks... J had the twins just into her 34th week...

They will be 34 weeks old in the next few weeks........

I dont know why its bothering me, but its been eating at me for a few days... The little timeline meter drawn for the twins life continues on, past the length of time they knew their mother, while in the womb..... And its almost there, I have almost known them "longer".. Bleh... Ok I can be glad they are mine, and love them to peices, I DO, they rock! But this nagging feeling keeps pestering me!

I miss J.. I know she's trying to move back, so she will be closer. I cant wait. I want to see her again!