Two years ago

Two years ago, I was kneeling at my suitcase, filling it, emptying it, then refilling it with various cloths of mine and my husbands... My husband thought I was crazy. We had been chosen almost two weeks prior by a mother who was expecting twins to possibly adopt them. I felt the urge to start filling some overnight bags, and prepare some baby things to keep close in case she were to go into labor early.
6:15pm The phone rang. It was "A"(Mamma J's boyfriend) to tell us she had gone into labor. We finished up some packing that I had already started that day, and we were on the road less then an hour later. This was a LONG drive, 5+ hours long, in the dark. We made it half way there when we got the call that both twins had been born and doing really well.... We continued our drive, and pulled in just before midnight. As we parked, we noticed an odd looking ambulance-type of vehicle parked with the engine running.... My husband made a brief comment "I bet that is the twins"... (We had been told the twins would most likely be transported two hours back towards our house, because this hospital did not have a NICU)... I said "no WAY~!". We continued up to the counter and found out where we could find Mamma J. We met up with her and her boyfriend, and she told us we had just missed them, that they had been transported (It was them!!!) That was okay.... We enjoyed an hour or so visiting with J and A, then left so they could get some sleep... We found an empty waiting area and slept (most uncomfortably) on chairs and the floor for a few hours. We had breakfast, changed our cloths (I think?) and went back to visit J for almost the rest of the day. J had me help her fill out some of her forms, like the spelling of the twins names (which I had been shocked to hear she wanted to use our last name on the original's)... The day was very laid back, mostly a continuation of getting to know each other.. She showed us some pictures of the twins from the night before. She joked about how "sexy" they were (lol)... Finally around 4pm we made our leave with an awkward goodbye... (How do you say goodbye to someone, to leave her and go become her brand new babies parents in a town 2+ hours away?)
We made the drive (pretty much speeding the whole way where we could)...We pulled in just after 6pm and went through the rules and procedures to enter the NICU.... Washing from finger tips to elbows for 3 minutes with ugly brown soap, we were escorted down a long hallway with big rooms to the left and smaller rooms to the right... Three rooms down we turned, and the nurse pointed to the far right corner, where laid two of the most beautiful little heart shaped faces I had ever seen.... Actually I did not notice even their faces yet, I could hardly see them yet, the emotions filled my soul and came rushing out my eyeballs... It was happening... In SO not the way I had expected (lol).. But here I was, standing in front of what would turn out to be my son and daughter... I finally sucked up all the emotion as best I could, as I helped my husband get into a chair, peeling off his coat and digging out my camera, as the two nurses handed him both tiny little bodies... One in each arm... This was a moment cemented in my mind forever.. My husband, loving these two children as his son and daughter the moment he laid eyes on them, the moment their head lay snugly into his arms... What an amazing feeling to actually be experiencing! You can read it from others a million times, but never understand the full impact of what it is like to be introduced to your new life, like this..


Two years ago, Latte and Z-man were so tiny, so small..I hardly remember what that looked like now as I look at two active toddlers, using words and gestures, having opinions and different attitudes.

Latte was the sleeper, she slept for months... She was half a pound smaller then her brother, and even felt and looked more petite (girly) in comparison... As she got older, around her crawling stage she finally "woke up". She jabbered like crazy, and was such a silly little baby. Walking came, and she was the people pleasure, center of attention and loving it.. Talking came, and so far has yet to stop. She is silly, and active, and smart. She is vocal and good with her fine motor skills. She likes to color, I think her favorite color is purple (at least that is the color-word she uses most often), she loves my best friend "Angie" like crazy, she likes to play with lego's (which makes her daddy proud). She wheels her baby doll around in the toy stroller she got for Christmas, but would rather sit in it and be wheeled around by her brother. She loves her brother, but more then often she would rather boss him around or tease him (by stealing his binky, which she has been doing since before they could crawl even though she does not even use a binky!). She has recently decided she is scared of our cats. For the past few days she has requested pickles, but she really likes apples and banana's more.

Z-man was the awake child, he took his normal naps, but when we went places, he was usually the one that was awake and excited to meet new people while his sister laid asleep. He used to sleep with his arms up by his head. He gained bulk/weight quicker then his sister, and even grew hair sooner/faster then her (and still does). As he got older, he got more reserved and quiet.. He became a people watcher. He could go off and play by himself while his sister took the stage.. When he was at the crawling stage he used to make all kinds of silly faces, like sticking his tongue in and out over and over again. He was trying to climb over the baby gate even before he could walk. Once he was walking, he loved to go up to his sister from behind and pull her down in a huge bear hug (which he still does, and it's hard to peel him off). He adores his sister, and will share almost anything with her. One day he had one cracker left and his sister had none, he looked at her, broke his cracker into two VERY uneven sizes, and handed her the large half of his cracker, leaving him with a very small morsel (and he was overjoyed that she accepted it). He will bring her favorite blankie in to her when they are cozied up to watch a movie together on our bed, and he will carry her milk to her if she has run off without getting it. He is learning more and more words lately, and animal sounds (they both LOVE the horsie sound a lot lately).. He likes to color, loves to push his cars around or cook in his play kitchen. He would rather wear his sister shoes (because they are easier to get on), but he would much rather walk around in mommy or daddy's shoes (same with his sister). He loves plumbs and shrimp!

Visiting is fun!

From J's boyfriend trying to teach Zman how to play Transformers on his console, Zman giving him "knuckles" (daddy taught him that hehe). Latte bouncing off the walls running back and forth to everybody and showing off how cute she can be without even doing anything specific to her sitting with J's boyfriend singing along with him to a song *melts*
We had such a great visit Saturday! We hung out in their apartment for a while and the kids played "drums" on their dinner table while listening to music. We went to a soccer field and ran around chasing each other and kicking the soccer ball around.

I like J's boyfriend.. I've always loved the fact that he's been in her life before the twins were even born. He loves the twins so much and it shows every time. And he is SO good with them! He said playing with them makes him want J to have their son already, he is getting anxious and excited! I am so excited for them.

J is looking and feeling ready! She's doing really good though, but I know the heat and pregnancy are wearing on her and I know it's normal for moms this far along to just want that part to be over with already. She goes in in just over a week! She is having a C-section, and I might be scheduling some time off to try to help her out some, with transportation and other things.

Anyway.. It's only been a couple of months since seeing J last, but the twins are changing a lot lately, and she noticed that right away. They had SO much fun they passed out and slept all night (which is a first all week!)

Anyway... I LOVE this part of open adoption.. It really IS a blessing on me, on the twins, and on J.

I also got to meet "D-man", J's boyfriends son. He is 5 and starts school soon. He is a cutie pie! The twins really liked him a lot also :)

Newbrother

My twins are going to have a new brother in a few weeks!!! No no, I know what you are thinking... We are not adopting again. Their mom is expecting a baby boy, and he is due the middle of next month (but we think he will be early)

I am so excited! Right now the twins have an older sister, and when I look at her and Latte I see so many resemblances and it makes me excited to see what their brother will look like, and if Z-man and him share a lot of similarities as well.

I can not wait to meet him!! :)

I growed in your tummy

My best friend got to have her yearly get together with her daughter and her parents. This time they came to her house and I got to be there as well. So far I have been to every "visit" since she was 6months old. I have loved watching the relationship grow.

The first visit was rough.... I do not think any of them were comfortable yet, and they were still trying to establish their "place" in each other's life....

Each year it was better and more comfortable. This year was relaxed, and darn near perfect.

My friends daughter is 3.5 now and quite the little spitfire! She was telling my friends older son "I hate you!" and spitting on him! Lil' stinker! Anyway... The BEST part of the night:

I had my camera (it takes short video's). I had JUST hit the record button, not even attempting much other then just everyday-stuff in the get together.... Then it happens:
"E" (my friends daughter that she placed) walked up to "A" (my friend). Lifted up her own little 3yr old shirt, pointing at her tummy, she said "My mommy said I growed in your tummy before".... So matter of fact.... My friend, stunned... "yee-ah..." looking around not exactly sure how to respond... Before it was over E was already gone off playing with the kids again.

So precious...

I was so lucky to get that on video... I know my friend has watched it a bazillion times already. Now she is preparing herself for whatever is to come next year.

It really stinks

It really stinks when new childless couples come into the adoption world and get slammed with TONS of information, most of it is extremely scary information that has to do with someone else, someone they had not taken a lot of time to think of and consider.

I am not blaming them. Many come into adoption with a child on the mind, nothing more at first.

I wish there was a better way to educate these ladies, and I mean REALLY educate them.

Who does it start with? Who is being held responsible for the couples who NEVER stop to consider the other's involved in the adoption process? This is an injustice to them but mostly it is a disservice to the children they are being placed with.

This reminds me of one of my best friends growing up who was an AA adoptee, who's mother called her the N word :( (what the?!!) I should try to contact her.

The visit I forgot to post about

So last month I visited J twice. Two times in 3 days actually!

The first was at a mall, we walked around, played a little, and had lunch. It was not as relaxed as I thought it might be, and by the end of it the twins were tired and cranky so that made things a little difficult.

The second visit happened because I volunteered to taxi J's boyfriend for his job stuff. Once finished driving him around I hung out with J and the twins sister A. We played in the grass, talked, played more... Very relaxing, and was so nice to just hang out with them. I got a lot more details about the birth of the twins, as well as stories of J. Mostly just casual conversation.

I wonder if J would agree, that we don't put on a different face during a visit... I don't know. She had to discipline her daughter a few times, and I had to get after the twins a few times. We might have been "nicer" in how we get after our kids in front of each other, but I think people in general are that way around company. It's not like I am a big-fat-bully when nobody is around, it just takes on a sterner voice I guess... One of those voices that just doesn't come natural around company :) I wonder as the kids get older and possible need that stern voice, if it will in fact come around when company is present.. I do not know. But I am still ME in those times.

So yeah, that's my story :)

Copy Cat

Ok so this is copied from a web forum I post to, but it is MY thoughts, and I still think them. I wanted it to feel more permanent so I am repeating it here on my blog.
__________

Recently I got to be a guest at my friend's visit with her daughter she placed for adoption 3years ago. This is the fourth visit and each time seems to be better and more relaxed and comfortable for everybody. (I have been able to be at all 4 visits so far)

This year, I came to a few realizations:

*I learned first hand that ALL stories are different. We try to post on here as if ALL stories were the same, but they really aren't. There is no single cookie cutter-adoption triad /story out there, I think we should be called "snowflakes" instead of "triad members" Smile

*I learned that men are ALL the same, but it's ok cuz it keeps them out of our hair sometimes.

*I learned that Barbie Jeeps dont hurt when they run over your toes.

*I learned that kids "get" more then we give credit to them for.

*I learned I missed something valuable in the process of placement... This is HUGE for me, and it has been really affecting my heart since realizing it.... Let me explain a bit:

It has been said here that the hospital experience should be the mother's time. I will STILL agree with that for *MANY* situations, but not all. Either way, it comes to the actual placement, the moment that many of you have or will face... A mother physically handing her child to you, bestowing upon you HER role, mother.....

I missed that... I did not have to look into a tear stained face and choke back my own tears as I was handed such a title... This has really made me take advantage of my role, without the memory... I dont know how to describe why I feel "badly" for missing this part of the process... I think it is because I looked into a face the other night, and SAW the memory come leaking out of a mothers eyes...

I do believe everything happens for a reason. My dear friend tells me that God knows my heart and was perhaps protecting it by not putting me through such an event. (I admit, I was dreading a moment like that when the twins were born, but thought I was GOING to happen *assuming she placed with us*, I never imagined we would be 2 hours away and not even SEE J for over a month after taking the twins home).

Our hospital time with J was like visiting a friend after a "normal" surgery. She was in great pain physically, but did not talk about it to us. She was not emotional, actually she was just candid and light humored. We talked about Anna Nicole Smith (I believe she had just died). We watched the TV in her room. J talked about how "sexy" the twins were, and showed us pictures off their digital camera. When we said goodbye, it was casual, it was friendly, it was surreal... The next 9 days were spent as "substitute parents" at the NICU. We knew we were not officially parents of these two, even though the hospital treated us as any other parent. We "parented" them in every aspect we could while we were there, and of course fell madly in love with them... We were the only people there, other then a wonderful hospital staff. I never wanted that, I was READY and WILLING for J to have *HER* hospital time.. I wanted that for her.... And it never happened. I thought about that a lot. But somehow I had forgotten or not really thought as much about what I missed.. The placement, the actual moment. I have to wonder if missing that means I am lacking in appreciation or understanding of why and how I am a mother.

...... so.... Those were just a few things I have been pondering since watching my friend visit with her daughter's mommy....

Some things that I also noticed, that are a lot more light hearted then the above:

both mom's:
About the same height
Somewhat similar build
Same color hair
Same choice in hair spray and obsession about hair (go "Big Sexy Hair"!)
Same/similar cute trendy fashion choices
both seem to like some of the same things
both are madly in love with a super cute super active little girl.

Who is "me" during a visit? hmmm...

I was reading Nicole's blog (I'd include a link but I think she took her blog down). She blogged about the personality, or mannerisms of her daughters adoptive mom was during their visits together... It was a really interesting read, basically saying she was always very nice, and did not loose her temper or even show much emotion (other then the happy-family face type of emotion). It got me thinking about who "I" am during visits with my kids mom.

I don't think I put on a different face for visits, other then hoping the kids don't erupt into a tantrum. I have corrected negative behavior in the kids (not sure if I can really call it negative behavior but more just stayed consistent in the rules of our house: like they have to sit down to eat a snack, so during our last visit I kept having to repeat myself "Sit down please" over and over again, which is what I do at home as well). I showed emotion when I first got there after a very dramatic drive to get there. I can't think of a time that I was not "just me" the "real" "me" (sorry for all of the quotes I hope you understand what I am trying to say).

I guess I look at visits the same way I do for anywhere we take the kids. My goals are that they have a good time, and we have a good time. I try to be consistent with them (I guess what I mean is that if I don't allow it at the house, I try to also not let them get away with it at other places as well.) Some things need to be altered a little, but those things are things I cant avoid, like nap times sometimes get thrown out the window or messed up a bit.

I wonder if J's personality is "her". It seems to be, she is laid back, easy going. What is really going on in her mind I wonder? She always seems to surprise me with things she says that honors me, things I don't ask her to say but am SO blessed that she said it anyway. Our last visit, we were getting ready to leave, and she said "You are doing a wonderful job with them". I guess I just never thought she should say that to me, I would think that would seem like something difficult for any natural mother to say to her childs "other mother". Those words will stick in my head and heart forever though....

~~~~~~~~~~~Writing this part of my blog just about an hour after starting it, because I have come to a conclusion about this topic all within this hour!~~~~~~~~~~~

So I just got off the phone with J (by the way her new nickname is "Mamma Starfish". And I have concluded that NEITHER of us are not "us" on the phone to each other. Of course, that is just my perspective, but on my end of the phone I KNOW I was "just me", and I'm pretty sure she was "just her" and darnit I am pretty proud that we can laugh and joke about some of the things we talked about. This was the longest phone call I've ever had with her too, so I am feeling pretty happy right now.

I am going to visit her with the twins at the end of the week. I think I will blog about my conclusion of "visits" and "being us" then as well. I cant wait to see her!