Using my "Dont be sad" post a few days ago, I am curious to hear from others. Have you experienced this before from your children or people you know? How did you respond to them?
The thoughts of what I will tell my children when/if they ever tell me they are sad, or act like they are upset in regards to adoption (and heck not just adoption, life in general)..
For me, I really want to just tell them I am sorry they are sad, and ask them what parts make them sad, and let them know it is okay to be sad.... I dont want to tell them NOT to be sad.
Anybody else care to share their ideas or experiences?
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5 comments:
I think we all need to have our feelings acknowledged and sometimes we need people to keep us company while we're hurting. When my kids are sad, I feel sad with them. And I give 'em hugs.
I think you are right in that we need to let them be sad. I do disagree with you to a very small degree on the grateful thing. I do think my kids need to be grateful for what they have. No, I didn't give them monumentous gift by adopting them--but there are millions of kids worldwide in orphanages/foster care with a very bleak future. No, I am not going to guilt them into feeling grateful, but I think that needs to be a small part of discussion. I also plan to use that moment to tell them about their birthmother and what I know about her and her feelings at the time. Yes, she is sad too. Yes, she wanted to keep you but couldn't. Yes, we were sad for her. Yet, we also want to see the flip side. That birthmother had some new opportunities by placing her child for adoption. You, the child, have some new opportunities. We all do, so we embrace them and celebrate them. One day when we get to meet the birthmother, that is something to ask her, about her opportunities. We have a friend who is a birthmom and she can definitely shed some light on that for my kids. She's an amazing woman.
Teaching a child to be glad for what they have is something many parents do. However, when you do it, it shouldn't be about adoption, because that demonizes their first families and makes them feel like they are not allowed to see positive in their first families. Instead it makes them feel like they *have* to be glad they were adopted and gives them a feeling of having to live up to higher standards. (my sister revealed to me that she felt the need to live up to higher expectations of our parents, because she was adopted).
Im going to dig a little AMG, and show you the adoptee blogs that reflect what some adoptee's realize later in life when their parents put the adoption and grateful talk into one conversation.
Also remember, I said that needs to be a small part of the conversation. Not a huge part like what you were overhearing those women talk about. A very small part. I am with you, I think kids need to feel the feelings, yet know they have a safe place to share them.
TAG! You've got a meme!
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