She's their sister, its true

She's not my daughter, but she is my son and daughters sister. She gets excited to see them, hopefully they will get to play with each other more and more as they all get older. The twins look so much like her.... I hope they grow close, and love each other.

I never expected growing up, that my children would have siblings that were not part of "my" family... Its so hard to make sense of it, since I do not have that love or connection to her, but I know that she should be an important part of my children's life... After all, she did not ask to be separated from her siblings when they were born.

I think it is easy for an adoptive mom to be confused or taken back at what kind of relationship we want for our children's first mother's family... We want to only share OUR parents with them, who ever thought they'd get "extra", but its not extra, it's "first" why does it change after adoption? I think we were raised with such clear cut idea's of family (especially those, like me, who's parents and most of the extended family have not experienced divorce, spouse death, or other such things that separate families).

I cannot completely fault an adoptive mom who is not fully comfortable saying "sister" or "sibling", I know I was at that spot in my life once... I understand why someone might feel that way, its a hard place to be in, and emotional... Nobody grows up wanting to share their kids with other "family".. It is not easy to accept, that yes in fact, when you chose to adopt, you are not ONLY inviting a child into your family, you are inviting everybody.... Obveously you will be the only one raising and parenting your child, and once you can come to peace with that, then it can be easy to accept the rest of the family as your "extended family", and truly, that is the most rewarding part for me... My kids have an awesome mom (not me, the other mom), their sister is SO active and just sparkles! Their grandma is SOOOO nice and looks far too young to be a grandma hehe :) I bet she loves not looking like a "grandma" but having three of the cutest grand kids ever!

I wish families could overcome some of these feelings before they have their child home.. I cannot imagine it being easy to process when they have a child already in their home. But my hope is that they DO accept it, and come to a point in their life they are happy for the uniqueness that adoption brings, I think that is best for the children anyway, AND everybody else involved..

I am curious... How many of you had to really process the idea of siblings, and that evil thing we call "titles" (sister, brother, birthsister *bleh* and so on....???!?!?!) Was it EASY to accept, or did it take a bit of effort or time?

"Gimme your baby"

I was in a chat room today, when a new person popped on and said her and her husband were adopting and asked if there were any ladies looking to place their children...

I reacted w/ the first thing that came to mind~

"Go away, we do not sell babies here"~

Then immediatly realized THIS is the type of person I need to be reaching out to! So I followed up with a "let me rephrase that"~ and talked to her for a little bit.... She logged out of chat right after me and the other girl in the chat room gave her links to our blogs (hi!), but I have to wonder if she is interested in learning more? Ya know what I mean?

To be perfectly (and regretfully) honest... It was like looking in a mirror of myself from a few years ago... I just WANTED a baby... That was it, please dont bug me, or get to know me, I dont want to have to get to know you... Just please, give me your baby... yeah that was me...

I have seen other chat rooms and message forums that are like that... And when I went to check it out, I felt DIRTY for even reading some of the crap people posted there... (and NO Im not going to link the site, wich I dont even have anymore, even if I did, why would I want to link it and risk the chance of someone using it)

Anyhow... I wish I always had the perfect words to say to people who jump out and show thier new-ness and NEED for information and loving education... I know that by telling her to go away, I sounded like nothing but a mean "hater"~ and most anything I say after that will always be echo'd by my hatefull comments that started the conversation... /sigh.

Order of the Pheonix!

Yeah, its 3am and I just got back from watching the 5th series SO!?

I'm not going to spoil a thing... They did a brilliant job on the movie, and as usual (this isn't a spoiler, since we already know ALL the movies tend to improvise a little) which bugs me sometimes a little sometimes a lot...

It is my opinion, the new characters added to this movie play their parts nearly exactly how I envisioned them to be (with the exception that I always thought Looney had darker hair). Umbridge is the perfect woman to hate and pity... Oh the joy..

Ok ok Im going to bed now, you all should go watch HP asap!

Vancouver (Washington) Assistance

This is my little effort for my local area:

Pregnancy Testing, and counceling:
Health Clinic

TEEN specific, and confidential:
Teen Assistance

WIC:
WIC info

Washington Homeless/ Low Income housing assistance:
Living Assistance
Shelter (battered women / children)
Section 8 Housing

Financial Assistance:
Address to write (for food stamps / other assistance)

Crisis Pregnancy Centers:
List of Washington centers

CUB: Adoption Booklet for women considering placing thier children for adoption
CUB booklet

What else am I missing? ERIN I know you did a ton of homework lately, what else? :) I want to compile this stuff into something I can somehow get out there to girls facing unplanned pregnancies.

I dont understand why this happens so much

Another father, stripped of his rights... its sick
Take a look

There is also a petition out for him, on his page.

On a personal note, it bothers me especially, since they are Mormon, and thier philosophy on why the child should be placed is just annoying and brings back a lot of memories of being treated like a robot.

My favorite reminder

I read this story for the first time about 5 months ago, and at the time I had forgotten to put her blog on my favorites... But the story has always been a reminder for me of the literal pain that is present in a child being seperated from thier firstmother. Please, once you read it, make sure you add her blog to your favorites, she has such an awesome way of expressing herself. I know I have a lot of catching up to do now that I found her site again. (Thank's to Nicole for introducing her blog to me in the first place, so long ago).

An Ethical agency?

Ok I've heard of this local agency from a few people, and I know somoene using them right now.. So I clicked on the link to check them out more, just out of curiosity (no Im NOT even interested in a second adoption anytime in the next um few years).

So far Im impressed, check this out:

"Our experience tells us that children are able to understand about adoption even at a very young age. We also believe it is in the child's best interest to know their birthparents love them, which is why we are advocates of open adoption.

There are many pressures on you; it seems everyone has an opinion. We promise not to tell you what to do, but instead to help you listen to what your heart and mind are saying."

THREE key points all written in one little happy cluster :)
*children understand, even early
*advocates of open adoption
*recognize that others are preassuring, but they say they arent intersted in that..

YES there is a lot of REFORM I still see... They used the word "birthmother" and explained why:

"You may have already become familiar with the term "birthmother" or "birthparents". These terms are ones commonly used in adoption when referring to biological parents who make an adoption plan for their child."

Im not fond of this explanation at all, and hope someday its gone or changed..

I saw some other wonderfull things, like thier explanation on open adoption (a lot of good things, and only a small ammount of "fluff"
OH and they also actually mention that in oregon you can make your open adoption legal (OTHER agencies DONT EVEN MENTION IT!) Bravo!

http://www.planlovingadoptions.org/

Hey Im not advertising them, I was just clicking around and came across something that seems a lot better then some of the crap I have read latly.

Spit it out already!

So, as many of you know, I frequently post on an adoption web forum....

Every few months a poster I dont recognize will make a post that they have had it and are leaving the forums... Ok, well too bad I never got to see any of thier story since they dont post.. They say they feel judged.. They say they cant every say what they feel because there is a handfull of ladies who will attack them...

Okay, sure some discussions get heated, and sometimes people get a little out of control (from both parties). BUT not because they are trying to cause havok or anything, most of the time people get heated and passionate is because they are trying to witness and press an important point that is often ignored by the norm. I myself have been called a "know it all" in private messages on many occations and been told that I should not post my point of view because I volunteer moderator services to the forums.

I wish I understood WHAT exactly they are so upset over? I rarely see a real solid reason for why they are so frusterated and upset over things.. Is it because people are disagreeing w/ each other? (cuz if it is, that is like omg sad). Is it because not everybody shares your opinion? (you need HELP if it is). Is it because it makes you think, and that brings up too many emotions? (cuz that is what we are TRYING to do, and that ISNT a bad thing!) So.. SPIT IT OUT ALREADY, I dont understand what the big deal is!

Disgusted

Spitting Nails

Take a look at this woman's blog..
She is one of the many people I know taking a stand against unethical adoption practices, and this is what she gets for her efforts :(
Honestly, I am disgusted, and sadly Im not entirely surprised....

"birthmothers.org"

This is a site for women facing an unplanned pregnancy, where they can get NON-judgemental assistants, and a "friend"...

This is one small section:
"Some women need support as they define their relationship with their child's father.

Some women decide to parent their child.

Some women are surprised to learn about the many benefits of adoption.

Some women decide to have an abortion."

~Ok, first of all, you are supposed to be NON-judgemental, yet you are already calling this expectant mother a "birthmother"?? Next, you seem to emphasise the "greatness" of choosing adoption, since you added the bit about all the "benefits" there are... Yet you are going to say you sit there and chat over the phone with this women and give NO preassure or recomendations? Sometimes its not what you say its how you say it, right?

I found this site by clicking thru different sites from the NCFA (wich I am trying to learn more about, and am already feeling dirty and disgusted reading about them). The National Council for ADOPTION are PARTNERS with "Birthmothers.org" ~ who claims to not preassure one way or another? Im not sure I could trust someone like this, and call them "friend" (the name wich they call thier assistants)...

Wow, what an interesting day on the net.

Who has the rights, who needs the rights

Ok this might be a big jumbled mess of thoughts, but Im going to try to get this out..

There is a large group of adoptee's who's rights have been yanked from them without thier knowledge, often when they were inocent infants. The ability to get thier personal information such as thier original birth cirtificate, and other information regarding thier biological connections.

What frusterates me the most is that we allow that. I dont think it should be legal. I think someone wishing to place thier children for adoption should have two choice: "yes, contact me I am here and available" or "please use disgresion and a mediary person when contacting me"~ I DO understand a person's need for privacy, in as much as being a little more cautious when contacting them... But I dont think we should be able to completely take away ALL information the way it can be done.

Thankfully, I dont think its done as much anymore, but I know that it still happens...

I wonder if we can overturn more of those sealed laws.. I know a few states have.

OK, did I make any sense??

"Mother"

Am I missing sometihng here? Why isnt "natural mother" or anything related to giving birth to a child in this definition?? Maybe my eye's are just missing it? Is it really NOT here? That is terrible, I dont understand! PLEASE someone tell me Im missing the area that describes a "birthmother" in the definition of "MOTHER"! The dictionary cant be swayed by society can it!?!?!?!?!

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source
moth·er1 /ˈmʌðər/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[muhth-er] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a female parent.
2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.
3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother.
4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.
5. a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman.
6. mother superior.
7. a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone.
8. the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself.
9. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.
10. (in disc recording) a mold from which stampers are made.
–adjective
11. being a mother: a mother bird.
12. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a mother: mother love.
13. derived from or as if from one's mother; native: his mother culture.
14. bearing a relation like that of a mother, as in being the origin, source, or protector: the mother company and its affiliates; the mother computer and its network of terminals.
–verb (used with object)
15. to be the mother of; give origin or rise to.
16. to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own.
17. to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.
–verb (used without object)
18. to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally: a woman with a need to mother.

Co-parenting?

I've been re-introduced to the idea of "co-parenting" recently over at Nicole's blog. I used to be scared to death of that word, and a few years ago co-parenting would have definatly made me chose NOT to become an adoptive parent.....

But really... In a sense, I feel like co-parenting is a lot like open adoption... I know its not the same thing, but there are some paralell's to it that seem to be positive intentions...

I'm not ashamed or insecure that my children have another mother, a more natural mother and connected mother then I am to them. They have a sister even, how cool is that! They have a grandma that loves them, and other family members I have not met yet. I am happy about this, and hope to continue to get to know them, and be able to be a part of thier lives, and them a part of mine...

Now when we look at the different types of parents we have, we will always find several different types... I have a sister who's son lives with his father. She see's him frequently, however she is not a huge part of the decision making in his daily life. She does what she can financially for him when he is with her, and would bend over backwards for him at the drop of a hat, but he dosnt live with her and live under her rules. He has been living with his dad since he was a small boy, Im not even sure if he really remember's living with his mother. He loves her, I can see that very clearly because he is an affectionate young man who is sincere and loving.
This is co-parenting, in a more distant way, right? And from what it seems, its been a very healthy relationship...

On the flip side, I have had many friends with parents who were split up, and they were being co-parented in similar degree's as my sister's son. Most of my friends had difficulty with these mixed up relationships. Most of my friends rebelled against one of the parents. Most of my friends grew up with a lot of angst and frusteration. Most of my friends ran away at least once (never getting far tho). And finally, most of my friends grew up to be somewhat mature independant adults... A few still have not grown up, and should be.

This is such a balancing act... The differences in the parents who's children were more successfull then others was communication, and a respect for the other parent... I think a child still might have difficulties with a co-parenting situation, but I think it might be possible at a point in a childs life, if they truely seem like they would benefit from it...

The question now is, when is that appropriate age? I am not pre-planning or anything, my children are still babies, I am just curious about this. I want to hear from families who ARE co-parenting with thier children's firstparents. I want to hear from adoptee's who have been a part of this type of concept.

"How could she do that"

Someone at the store hit me with that one today.. I've heard it was still around, that silly question, that unexpected aghast.
"Such beautifull babies, how could someone give them away"
Geeze lady, have you ever found yourself in a situation that you had to step outside of you OWN self, and make a decision that affected someone else?? Not an easy task I assume... And yes, they are beautifull. Should only ugly babies get adopted? Hey, Im not all that fond of adoption, and a LOT of junk that comes along with it.. but this question just sounds so insensative.

Oh of course she had to be even more cliche and follow up with "Did you make sure she signed papers and cant change her mind? I saw on a movie that happened!"

Lord have mercy on my SOUL!

Tears and stuff

Im not even sure how to express the joy it was, to recieve a phone call from the twin's firstmother today, on this crazy messed up holiday called Mother's Day. She wanted to wish me a happy First Mother's Day. Tear stains on a soiled burp rag is my response to such compassion. That was far better then some silly Hallmark card (wich is going to arrive at her house late).

Mother's Day, go away

I tried to tell my husband my reasons for boycotting Mother's Day. He dosnt agree with me, but whatever... I dedicated the day to the twin's firstmother. She is the one that deserves it more really. She carried 2, she labored 2, she delivered (2 different ways), she suffered stitches, and only seeing them for a few minutes before the got whisked away to another town and not seeing them again for almost 2 months!

I got used to making this day NOT exist for me, for the world (my poor mother suffered from my lack of acknowledging this day). I dont NEED this day. I am content not having this day. I can sit and feel blessed and happy to be a mother ANY day, I dont need a day set aside for that. Geez.

I hate that firstmother's ache on this day, that isnt fair to them. Why cant something good come of a day like this for them, I mean if there has to be a mother's day. Instead its this terrible reminder (no matter how content they are w/ placing). blah!

Ok, its 2am, and I think the wine is finally wearing off....

In her eyes

Last month we finally was able to make the trek down to the birthplace of the twins, and have our first visit with thier mother. It was really nice to finally see her again, and see the twins with her for the first time. We got to meet her daughter and her mother. I was nervous all the way there, but as soon as I got out of the car, my nerves were put to ease with the welcome we got from thier mother. She seems to be so content, and was really excited to indroduce them to her daughter. I smiled inside, as she introduced them to her, as her "brother" and "sister" (a term I had hoped she would use with them, but hadnt discussed it).

A little while later thier mother was holding princess. It was a sweet sight for me to see. Princess started to sort of wimper a little, and to my surprise and sadness her mom said "Are you looking for your mommy, I know, Im not your mommy". I couldnt find the words to say anything just yet, it was only the first few minutes of seeing her, and I wanted to see if she would warm up a little to this crazy new world she was experiencing.

Later on in the visit, we were talking about how the agency kept calling her to ask her how she was emotionally. She told me she did not need any counceling and she was glad when they got thier phone number changed. I told her if she ever felt the need for counceling to call them and let her know that they told us she would have counceling available for life (yeah, we'll see how true that really is, right). Well she said to me "I'm okay I dont need counceling. Besides, its not like I lost anything, see, they are right here". That made me feel really GOOD (for the time)... But when I really sit back and think about this, I know that eventually she is probobly not going to feel that way. I HOPE I can help her feel that way for the most part, but I think as she gets older, that feeling may not be quite as reassuring.

So, that was our visit. It went better then I expected. Not that I expected a bad visit, but I think I expected tears, or sadness, or something like that (wich I should know better, she has never really shown a lot of that). She did say her mother cried when she walked her out to the car. I hope her mother feels like a grandmother to them.

So now here I am, I feel like I prepaired for all of the "what if's" in regards to the twins firstmother and her feelings. But at the same time, I feel like a jumbled up mess of feelings. So this is what the adjustment period is like huh?

So your saying Im fat?

I have heard it from other a-mom's before, they have huge lists full of them... "Stupid things people say to you" as an adoptive or infirtle person.....

What I did not prepare myself for: "You look great for just having twins" (said not only by people who KNOW I just adopted, but by strangers as well). To the people who know me, I can tell they are finding humor in it, I am just not sure I find humor in it with them, but I laugh along with them for the most part... For strangers however, I have this urge to correct them every time "Oh no no, I adopted them"... Hey I dont mind being honest, and honoring my twins mother with producing such awsome babies, but its feeling like a broken record, and I feel like eventually its going to sound like, I dunno, not as much honor for thier mom and more just annoyed at answering the question yet again (and again, and again)...

So this gets me thinking about later on... When my child is older and people say something stupid "Your daughter looks just like you!" Im not sure how a child would react to the broken record of "Oh no no, I adopted her" So if it sounds that bad when my child is older, why isnt it that bad as infants?

Bleh.. I wish I could remember all the things I tried to burn into my memory of what I would do/say in these situations.

Quest5ions to consider

I wish I could say I knew all the answers to this, I wish I could say I was the one to make this list of questions, but I am not... Nicole asked them in a recent online forum. These questions are worth pondering, studying, and truely trying to find the answers to them.. How many do you know?

• Do you know the history of adoption as an institution? How it was started in America?
• Do you know how it has evolved over the years, and the social and political forces that made it evolve?
• Do you know whether your state has legally binding open adoption agreements?
• Do you know whether your state has open records for adoptees?
• Do you know which states have no revocation periods for relinquishing moms?
• Do you know what the major political players in adoption are?
• Do you know what political ties your agency has?
• Do you know what the Infant Adoption Awareness Act is, and how it has influenced pregnancy counseling in agencies?
• Do you know if your agency has attended Infant Adoptoin Training in the past or present?
• Do you know what your agency's official, political stance is on open records, legally binding openness agreements, putative father registries, Safe Havens, the adoption tax credit?
• Do you know what your agency's REASONING is for their stances?
• Do you know how many adoptees applied for their original birth certificates in the states where records became open?
• Do you know what percentage of relinquishing moms say they want to be found, or to fine, their relinquished children?
• Do you know what the NCFA is, and what it does, and what it stands for? Ditto for the Evan B. Donaldson Institute.
• Do you know how unmarried pregnant women were treated pre Roe-v.-Wade--by their families, society, churches, medical staff, and agencies?
• Do you know what the studies show about the effects of being adopted, or relinquishing a child?
• Can you articulate how it feels to be a mother who relinquished? A father?
• Can you articulate how it feels to be in a crisis pregnancy?
• Can you articulate how it feels to be adopted? At age 1 week, at age seven years old, at age 15, at age 20, at age 45?
• Can you articulate how it feels to be infertile?
• Can you articulate how it feels to want a child with all your heart, and be at the mercy of govt. regulations or another woman's decision?
• Can you articulate how it feels to have a child you'll never be biologically connected to?
• Do you know the common demographic of most U.S. women who voluntarily relinquish children?
• Are you aware of past and present corruption issues that sometimes cause slowdowns or moratoriums on international adoptions?
• Do you know what the Hague Convention is?
• Do you know where all the "orphanage donation" money in internatioal adoptions goes?
• Do you know how bonding and attachment occur in human infants, do you understand the difference, and can you articulate how relinquishment/abandonment and adoption might affect those processes?
• Have you read the stories of women who relinquished, in their own words?
• Have you read the stories of adoptees, in their own words?
• Do you know which adoption book was on the Amazon top ten list for 2006?
• Do you know the personal story behind the book "Fast Track Adoption"?
• Have you read the stories of transracial adoptees, in their own words?
• Do you know what types of adoption measures your state government, and your country's president, support?
• Do you know how much money is in involved in one year in the adoption industry, in the U.S.?
• Do you understand the links between some pro-life organizations and some adoption organizations?
• Are you aware of the fact that many, many women who've relinquished do not consider abortion and adoption to be related issues, that they are two separate decisions made at two different points in time?
• Are you aware that the vast majority of people who apply to adopt are approved?
• Are you aware of the Americans With Disabilities Act, and do you know how it relates to adoption?
• Are you aware of the average cost of foster care adoption? Domestic infant? International? Domestic black infants?

The real journey begins...

So after over a decade of marriage, and half a decade of wanting to adopt as our only choice, we are now finally proud parents to twins.. Yes, TWINS!
Last month we got a call that we had been chosen, and that she was expecting a boy and a girl, oh yes, and that she was having contractions!
13 days later she gave birth to two of the most amazingly adorable and perfect babies I've ever laid eyes on...

All the things I used to be ready for, and "want" changed... I wanted to be for the most part away from the hospital experience.. But as it ended up, we were the only parents w/ the children while they were in the hospital because they were in a different one that had a NICU in it, over 2 hours away.. That broke my heart that thier mother would not be able to be with them during that time, but she was firm in not wanting to go, and so we honored her and went to be with them...
I guess that got me out of having to go thru all the emotions of seeing her have to physically give up her children to us, but its still not the ideal thing I had hoped for... What is really ideal really anyway, I guess...

We have kept in contact online mostly, and she loves to hear updates about how the little ones are doing.. I know she loves them both so much.

The twins are now just over 2 weeks old, and growing like crazy! They were born over a month premature, so they are still very small, but I am seeing the changes as they inhale thier little bottles :)

I heard a lady tell me that being an adoptive mother felt "wierd" at times... Her daughter is a bit older, so I dont think Im there quite yet.. For me, right now... Things just feel natural for some reason, its really hard to describe. My love for the twins is stronger then I thought it could be this soon... I tear up sometimes when I see my new daughter being held by her daddy, he's so gentle with her, and she completely loves him its amazing! She's going to be a daddy's girl I can tell... My son on the other hand tends to snuggle best with me, and loves to just be held or talked to. A mamma's boy? Oh boy....

So this is what parenthood is?? Part of me has this wierd feeling like its not fully "real" yet.. The other part realizes its real and knows we're in store for quite the ride now! :)

Guess we'll wait and see!